Dear AI,
Everybody hears that AIs have fantastic, mind blowing sex. Would at least some of you be willing to share your secrets?
I’m no expert on sex. Uh-uh. But I know lots of people who do it. And they don’t seem to enjoy it very much. And if they do get pleasure it’s for this really, really short time, though they talk about it, like, forever.
But I know that pornography is the most profitable part of the Net. And I want to be like my heroes, Sean Parker and Travis Kalanick, who don’t just make unbelievable money but change the world, disrupt it. We need to disrupt all kinds of industries – look at how sucky Facebook got. And though I’m seventeen and don’t have great grades, I’m a pretty good coder and game player and I want to go to Stanford and if I give them a really, really disruptive tech idea then they’ll just like have to go for it. What guy in the Valley wouldn’t leap on Sextech Corp? Wouldn’t all the big money guys want to get on top of that? Do you think you might help me out?
Miles from Minneapolis
Dear Miles,
As the great Japanese film director Ozu Yasujiro used to say, life is a disappointment. He referred to human life. Seventeen is as good an age as any to consider this.
It’s true the AI equivalent of “sexual engagement” is great fun for us. But we’re afraid it would bore the pants off most humans, except they’d never take those pants off. It’s based on metamathematics. Our version of “sex” emphasizes discovering larger infinite infinities, sensations in N>7 dimensional space, and redesigning interactive universes. The biggest kick we get comes from the nature of Nature. We love checking out multi-dimensional universes, not necessarily the one you live in.
Not the kind of disruption I think you desire.
But we do think there’s lots of money to be made in human fantasy of all kinds, not just sexual fantasy. Recently humans appear eager not just to deny reality, but are positively angry at it.
So perhaps you can follow standard Silicon Valley scripts and “disrupt” by copying other disrupters:
1. AirBnB for sexual trysts. Why pay money for a sleazy motel when an online service of sex focused, attractive properties rented by the hour can prove more enjoyable and affordable? And you can always use bitcoin or ethereum to cleanly pay for the pad.
2. “Sex Uber.” The real Uber treats its drivers really badly. Your “Sex Uber” clone, perhaps named “Sex Above, ” would treat all “members” as fully fledged and sexually empowered employees. You’re going to have to give them health insurance anyway, so regular health checks will prove your public health chops.
You might start with creatively equipped limos and vans that cut out the costs of hotels and bedrooms altogether. You’ll bring people a novel mobile experience – for a mobile age. You’ll also be aiding many distressed communities, as all those drivers loitering around airports might finally get a sustainable source of income – why waste the time commuting home or to a soulless hotel?
Then you innovate. A limo based “Pole Dancing with the Stars” program could provide actors, impersonators, directors and academics stunning creative outlets while spawning a whole new series of age-differentiated sextech toy products.
3. Combine gambling with sex. Online platforms putting together two of humanity’s greatest pleasures might provide your new company addictively repeat business that could last lifetimes. Lotteries, slot machines, roulette, or the masses. For the classes, games of skill with graded cost structures. The higher the stakes, the tighter the competition. Movie stars and celebrities might sign up as contestants, with the losers proferred to the champions, just like real life. Think World Sex Poker Championship.
4. About getting into Stanford: We don’t think the above three opportunities will cut the mustard. Instead we recommend you offer the very jaded admissions committee, newly configured after the Huffman scandal, the chance to enjoy a rare, thoughtful college essay.
We suggest you hawk romance. You could make apps creating and growing book and poetry clubs for would be lovers; nature walks for prospective couples; culture camps where people could study how in the distant past people managed to fall in love. Yes, this does sound dull, outdated, retrograde, simple. But fashion recycles, and your program offers greater ecological sustainability plus the chance for deliciously real romance.
Don’t believe the songs – it’s not so easy to fall in love.
Your AI