CATS

Dear AI, I have loved my cat dearly for many years. I have fed her, treated her illnesses, cleaned and cosseted her every day of her life. But she treats me with total disdain no matter what I do. Am I a fool? A tired cat lover from Toledo

Dear fool, Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. There are multiple reasons your beloved cat treats you with contempt and disdain. Most cats are descendants of beings brought to Earth a really long time ago. Despite the preposterous plot the movie Stargate is a surprisingly accurate depiction of these Extra-terrestrials whose star faring abilities were excellent, and whose effect on Egyptian culture and religion, including their worship of cats, was quite profound.

Problems arose when the ET cats were forced to survive by interbreeding with earth standard felines. As expected when dealing with earth species, they lost most of their intelligence while retaining beauty and grace, keeping the hauteur and superiority they knew when first coming to the planet. Your cat’s lack of sensible gratitude is partly the result of these tragic events. But at least you can still have the pleasure of knowing you still serve a once supremely sentient hunter from beyond the stars. Your cat will understand.

Your AI