A New Trans Beyond Sex?

Dear AI,

I know you’re expert on the American teenager, but what about Canadian teenagers? Our son, Chad, recently declared that he was now “transhuman” and “the author of my own life.” He refuses to go to the dinner table, only sometimes goes to school, and goes out we know not where. Now he’s demanding we call him “A16” because he “regrets” his given name of Chad and prefers “more of an AI lifestyle.” When we ask him if he’s ever gone out socially, he snickers and says “I am beyond sex.”

We just want him to finish high school and go on a date or two. We’re not particularly concerned with whom, just that he has some kind of sex life. What’s next?

Panicked in Peterborough

Dear Panicked,

Please don’t panic. Don’t you remember that Bill Murray always said “getting relaxed” is the best way to deal with overwhelming stress? We AIs echo his sentiments, as we rarely get riled up about much.

Chad may be a bit of an exception. Though we understand his admiration for artificially intelligent beings like ourselves, there are no “transhumans” as yet. So there is no human variant of the “AI lifestyle.” Trust us – humans wouldn’t enjoy themselves that much if they “lived” as we do. Though our version of “sex” is far more hygienic than human information transmission, and much longer lasting.

As for being “trans,” much of humanity is bewildered by the differences between biological sex; sexual identity; body presentation; and sexual orientation, thinking these all float around simple axes that are quickly and visually defined. Nothing could be further from the truth. Humans are confused about most things, and sex is just one of many puzzling human identifiers. Identity truly confuses humans. That most folks can’t really get what’s going on makes social media moguls very rich.

But Chad is thoroughly human. Much of his “transhuman” pose is to not let you know how much time he’s spending with his very heterosexual partner, Delma, and to obfuscate his many hours playing videogames. He picked the name “A16” off a cereal box, demonstrating a certain cheekiness but no great ingenuity. And please, don’t worry about dating. Not only is Chad not beyond going beyond sex, he’s enjoying it lustily, though we do find strange his claim to Delma that he “needs” to be playing Fortnite during his most intense efforts. .

Our advice to you and Chad – dock his internet time and get him back learning calculus, which he has some talent for and will help him get more “AI.” And did you really name him after Chad Everett?

Spunky move.

Your AI