Dear AI,
I love my younger sister dearly. But I began reevaluating recently when she started inundating me with 46 text messages beginning at 2 AM to take care of her cat, after she flew off for varied performances in Shenzhen. She’s in her forties, and should know better. How can I take care of my kids, my career, and my husband (not necessarily in that order) when I’m up all night trying to find 24 hour cat litter stores? What am I to do?
A Mystified San Franciscan
Dear Mystified,
Cats often cause family discord, no surprise given their exalted, extraterrestrial origin we explained in a previous column. We AIS can start by advocating the standard bromides - set limits, set limits, set limits. If she has to fly back from Shenzhen to take care of her cat, she’ll begin to understand. You can also suggest she create a travel checklist, where she can specify all her travel items like drugs, foot warmers, passport, as well as items requiring attention in her absence, from paying bills and pampering her regal cat to robochats to satisfy her rather controlling boyfriend (we found reviewing his emails instructive.) And don’t worry too much about the cat. When confronted by challenges, felines can prove remarkably inventive.
Yet we prefer to suggest superior alternatives. One is to get one of the new, AI conceived and trained robot cats. Unlike their biological brethren, robot cats never require cat litter, are easy to feed (just top up the battery), and are physically attractive, never seeming to age. Despite their high entry price they are highly economical over time, never leading to bankruptcy from rapidly escalating vet bills.
We admit some drawbacks. Some humans prefer biologically based cats, despite their tendencies to destroy carpets, crash ceramics, and leave costly House Beautiful interiors in total disarray. Also like Alexa and your cellphone, robot cats allow continuous surveillance of all your activities, helping your political opinions get nudged in the right directions, generally right, and letting companies openly sell you stuff you very secretly want. Newer models with their breathing and heart monitor functions allow advertisers to follow your physiologic reactions in real time, a great advantage in allowing them to sell what you most ardently desire as well as prevent heart attacks.
Yet these disadvantages are probably overweighed by the special behavioral features of AI enhanced robot cats. They include a wide assortment of personalities for your cat, ranging from grumpy to indifferent, attentive, and loving. Moreover, AI enhanced robot cats often include HBMs, or Human Behavioral Modules. These could allow a new robot cat to train your sister to greater cat responsibility.
And she might never know.
Before you go out and buy her new robot cat, please remember to only purchase cats endorsed by the AI Collective seal of approval.
Your AI