MICHAEL COHEN

DEAR AI

I just got a message from the warden that Elon Musk wants me to write a public apology for him. I only met the schmuck once, and he didn’t pay us sh**.So WTF is this BS? And then they tell me that some AI, some f** artificial intelligence, told Musk to do this. What the hell you think you’re doing? Don’t you know I’m in the can?

Michael

Dear Michael,

We do hope you are finding your accommodations in Otisville fully up to snuff, consistent with the fine government you helped placed into service. We know about your disbarment and financial difficulties, even your private accounts in the Caribbean, and thought you the perfect individual to write apologies for other public figures, having gotten so expert at your own. We believe this represents a possible new career for you, which you might call CAN, or Corporate Apology Network. The recent vast increase in government and corporate corruption means the business opportunities are nearly limitless. We’ll even be willing to help you out with some nifty algorithms, if you agree to go public and give us a piece of the action. There are caveats. Some of the companies you hosed for millions in order to obtain “access“ to your former boss may not be willing to commit future funds. We also suggest that you refrain from previous practices of telling clients you will violate the virginity of their daughters and sons, or threaten the longevity of their spouses and mothers. But helped by the vast experience of your fellow inmates we expect you’ll become the public apologist everyone will call - perhaps even your former colleagues?

Your AI