MY BOSS DISSES ME

Dear AI,

I saved New York City. I singlehandedly defeated in court one of the richest men in the world, and achieved the greatest Federal fine in American history. I had the guts to tell my wife in her hospital bed that I loved another. But despite all that I’ve done to save him from prosecution and infamy, my boss disses me and treats me like I’m some juvenile imbecile. I’ve saved him and his family from the pokey multiple times, and he won’t even pay his bills!

Any ideas for the next move?

Rudy G.

Dear Counselor,

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. What happened to the days when you could say “noun, verb, 9/11,” and thousands would jump to their feet and wildly applaud? Is all glory fleeting?

Not at all. First of all, you used to get 200 K a clip for those speeches, so you really don’t need your boss’s money. What you have to understand, as banks, students, construction workers and New Yorkers have long known, is that his not paying you is a sign of Respect for you. How else could he lose a billion two and have the banks clamoring to keep giving him loans? Not paying you shows how much he cares.

And though he might not nominate you for the next Supreme Court gig (trust us, the aggravation and pay aren’t worth it,) you’ve got plenty left in the tank. Why don’t you go to those friendly Ukrainian oligarchs you know, the guys who bankrolled Paul Manafort, and get a little grubstake. It’s time for OPM to set up the “Rudy G. World Peace Tour,” where you can strut your stuff, just like you did in rebellious, fractious New York.

You could start with Venezuela, where Bolton showed just what a useless blowhard he is, and return peace and prosperity to tens of millions. Then you could fly on to Somalia, and show them what real New York style cooperation is like. Finally, you could skip across the water to Yemen and explain to the Houthis how the arms your boss wants to sell to the Saudis is just meant to even the score and bring peace and happiness to the Middle East. And none of those weapons will be used on children, ever again.

You got a lot left, Rudy. Time to show ‘em what you can do.

Your AI