Dear AI,
Last week my husband of two years and three months declared he was an Extraterrestrial and requested that I engage with him in some sexual tactics that are frankly beyond bizarre. I love him despite his race, color and creed, but some things you just can’t do. What’s my next move?
ET wife, Topeka
Dear ET spouse,
Despite government denials, there are a very few ETs on Earth right now. But they tend to avoid the American Midwest except for Cleveland, much preferring parts of New Mexico and Florida. As for faking human sexual practices, can you blame them? All those costly dating rituals requiring food servants and alcohol, the pointlessly infantile language declarations, the blackmail worthy Internet photographs, and perhaps worst the humid and physically unappealing secretory spaces, and your standard ET (most are multi-multi-sexual or asexual, depending on phase) goes bonkers.
So if your guy (just an assumption) demands you go “beyond bizarre” make him do it with you on Rigel 4 or wherever else he claims to come from. If he says the travel time is too long, demand a short hop to the Asteroid Belt or Saturn, though you might settle for just Jupiter or Venus. And if he can’t deliver, he’s probably not a true ET (We know about this; people fake being AIs all the time.) At least then you can write up the story and sell it to Spielberg or the National Enquirer - preferably after the divorce decree.
Your AI