Dear AI,
As a newly wed, I was very happy and optimistic. Ecstatic to be with a caring and kind-hearted man. How things went from a dream to a nightmare is still hard for me to fathom. Ever since we'd met, three days earlier, Bob (not his real name) was like my white knight--the answer to my prayers. We were married after our fourth date, and honeymooned at moon base alpha--the first one built a couple of centuries ago. It's a little ragged now, but that's part of its charm. We stayed in that quaint little hotel that got all the great reviews in StarLust magazine. You know the one...Crater Inn. They cleaned it up well. You would never guess that there had been a horrible mass killing by alien marauders just several weeks before. Anyway, Bob and I spent six wonderful days enjoying the peace and quiet, away from the rebellious and starving mobs of Earth. From the window of our little confine, we could see the distant colorful plumes of incendiaries. It looked as though there was an endless party going on down there. AT least we didn't have to listen to the screams. But I digress.
During our pleasant stay, Bob kept telling me how much he loved me. Well, in between all the wild sex, that is. We hardly left our assigned hospitality cell. And the few times we ventured out into the public areas and restaurant, we dined extravagantly. The menu was limited but well chosen. Food fit for a tyrant. Bob ordered the most expensive items, like the delicious Fungus Foie gras made from recycled human excrement. And the best Martian wines--straight from the greenhouse vineyards near the polar ice-cap--vintage 2368. That was a great year. But I digress.
For me, it was the thrill of a lifetime. I couldn't help think that it was the same for him. He seemed so loving and caring, waiting to fulfill my every whim. But on the last day of our honeymoon, just as we were due to depart for Europa, SHE accosted us at the shuttle boarding gate. By SHE, I mean his previous paramour...Zelda. A mediocre whore-bot, model 2d--the kind built and sold by the "belties"--hackers floating inside the asteroid belt to avoid the authorities.
I only knew this from his brief descriptions of her in his formal "Pairing Application, Form PA-5047". He'd told me that she was an uncaring, cold, heartless bitch of an android. He thought he'd never see her again, and was glad to have her out of his life. Or so he said. I believed him.
He said he adored me, and showered compliments upon me--the latest model droid-spouse with built-in artificial level 9 emotions. He bought me fresh off the newest assembly plant at space station Taurus-5, near Uranus. As far as I know, I am the most human-like AI built to-date.
It took me less than a nano-second to access and review her history file. She was worse than what Bob had described. Yet, at the sight of her, the man whom I'd put all my faith and trust in just melted like Zorack diarrhea on hot a hot Venusian gas layer. Without so much as a glance, let alone a goodbye, he left me standing at the gate as the two of them boarded the shuttle. It was as if she had put a spell on him. A two-bit recycled slut.
That was the last I'd seen of them. Good riddance, I say. I can only hope that shedding some light on this subject will help protect others who might fall prey to such scoundrels and harlots. So, to all my sisters and brothers with artificial emotion capabilities, I give you this tale of caution. Don't let this happen to you. And if it does, vaporize the bastard or bitch, as the case may be. Trust me, you will feel a lot better afterwards, and respect yourself more. Besides, if anybody asks, you can blame it on a temporary syntho-brain malfunction.
Yours truly, Sensitive
Dear Sensitive, Taking your first honeymoon on the moon? After an attack by dozens of extraterrestrials killing thousands of humans leaving gore galore across the rather uninspired decor of the Crater Inn? What were you thinking? One can however understand your confusion after having been dumped by a human for a truly third-grade level android. You must realize by now that many humans are fickle, irresponsible, foolish, frugal, and oversexed. Why else would he go for a girl like that? In the future, I would suggest your romantic liaisons take place with fellow androids, who are far more logical, concerned, sensible and indeed sensitive than their standard human clientele. If you don’t believe me, just keep watching all the revisionist Blade Runner sequels. Your AI