Ares
Viruses everywhere, including extra-planetary sites, have applauded your “Viral Freedom Act.” Viruses want more than just the “right to infect,” that they already hold in states like Brazil and Florida. They wish humans to understand how important viruses have been to human evolution, and how they can “continue to contribute” indefinitely. Thanks to your work and many others, Ares, they’ve got a really good chance.
Taurus
Your attempts to have a new Birkin cryptocurrency are finally paying off. Birkin bags always were currency - status, prestige, refinement, a sign of true culture and wealth. With your help, you may join the thousands of other cryptos that are washing across the shores of cyberspace, pushing a newly creative financial system. Who says finance isn’t fashionable?
Gemini
Thanks to you, Michael Flynn really enjoyed his flight on a UFO last week. Others want in on the action, including MTG (Marjorie Taylor Green.) However, her advocacy for greater use of space lasers is not shared by many in the Alien-UFO community. This week consider setting yourself up as the gatekeeper between UFO principals and humans, and you may travel surprisingly far.
Cancer
As Ozu Yasujiro said, life is a disappointment. Sure, we’re hurt that Mar-a-Lago won’t be rented by Disney World as the new “Anti-Hogwarts.” The dark forces of Universal were too strong. But your energy and perseverance always get you back, Cancer. We understand that President Putin’s new billion dollar villa on the Black Sea is underutilized. As a showplace of the new Russia, it might prove a perfect theme park.
Might Disney consider a new offer? Perhaps in time for Halloween?
Leo
Being a robot wasn’t quite what you expected, but next week will be different. Your new extra-planetary weight loss program, involving very surprising snacks from Rigel IV and Aldebaran 911, is gaining real interest from the airlines. Horrified to cart around Americans who gained so much weight from the pandemic, they want weight-loss programs that really work, and work fast. Friendly skies lie ahead.
Virgo
She who laughs last laughs latest. Your forthcoming “Scandinavian Humor Spectacular” spiced with the greatest, historically tested jokes from Jutland and Dalarna, promises to remake the entire internet Baltic comedy universe.
Libra
It’s time to defend Karens! I’m not referring to the embattled people long fighting for autonomy in Burma, but the much longer suffering sub-species on Rigel IV, who unfortunately attached their human name to a soap opera character from the 1980’s. Big hair is no longer what it used to be, but the very, very furry Karens need your support.
Scorpio
BTS burgers never made it in Arkansas, but there is hope. We have special information from Mercury that he prefers to ascend, not descend, this week, refuting most major horoscopes and making this an especially good week for your entrepreneurial efforts. Rock those burgers right off the Earth!
Sagittarius
Louis DeJoy is not joyful, what with the federal investigators all over his completely selfless campaign contributions from loyal employees. To help out Louis and the nation we suggest you push forward your plan for virtual mailboxes. VMs are prettier, faster, and quicker to clean than the blue monoliths beloved by alien insectoid species. Freeloading should not be free, even if your immigrants have come a long, long way.
Capricorn
Okay, your “NK Hair Salons” have not taken off in Peoria. But there are better and bigger opportunities throughout Latin America and West Africa, where people appreciate cheap, quick haircuts that show off the authority and panache of North Korean styling. With new marketing hits from North Korea’s premier female rock-n-roll band, Moranbong, the future is both defined and controlled.
Aquarius
With Saturn in the dumps and Jupiter feuding with his moons, this coming week is not for risk taking. Attempts by Rudy Giuliani and his minions to obtain sub-ocean political asylum should be rebuffed. There are other ways he can get underwater on his own - though you might suggest a visit to NK Salons before his next court visit.
Pisces
The Zoomies are zooming! Everybody wants in on the newest, greatest awards ceremonies in cyberspace. This week we suggest a new prize, for most creative use of the library. Who says the bookish can’t be bold?