Aries
To stay number one you play Number One. Your new national “animating youth” program, teaching three and four-year olds to animate, prove what educators now learn daily from their students: “why use a word when you make an image?”
Seriously, what five year old doesn’t want to go on Tik-Tok?
Taurus
This week, coin your own wealth with new coins. Create a series of Birkin bags, each with a very unique, individual and personal cryptocurrency built and traded in Zug, Switzerland. Each time you carry a bag you sell yourself. With a market of at least four billion consumers, what’s not to like?
Gemini
What do North Korea and Afghanistan have in common? You, Gemini. Your duality makes you the perfect connector everywhere, and Kim Jong Un and the Taliban share a common approach towards humanity that each will exploit.
Cancer
Last week was pretty bad when your new romantic partner overdosed you on ivermectin. But no, love doesn’t have to be painful. Well, not all the time. Maybe you can round up all your neighbor’s dogs into the shape of a heart, and put the photo on your dating page? Just don’t try it with cats.
Leo
Loch Ness was less than anticipated. But you know how to come back, Leo. This week we propose you discuss with your powerful media contacts how American legislation could be introduced to limit gaming hours by children and teenagers, just as they do in South Korea and China. TV really needs a lifeline right now.
Virgo
Not even lemon mushroom vodka makes the national news bearable. We suggest you switch to watching NHK World News. The Japanese are often sensible, thoughtful and polite, and it will do you good to see how giant pandas are succeeding.
Libra
Bitcoin mining is leaving China, but you can help. Your ET friends will be happy to mine bitcoins out at the asteroid belt for practically nothing; just check the transit times for transferring pixels.
Scorpio
Governor DeSantis’ campaign crew was not impressed with your slogan, “If you’re breathing you should be breathing.” Perhaps you can recoup with “Florida: Come for the Sun, Stay for the Ventilators.” Any friendly Aries can help you with the animation.
Sagittarius
Your Ninja Business Playbook for kids was such a success you now move to different markets. Your Soccer Moms Ninja Business Playbook might help our national soccer efforts exactly when they’re needed, but beware the increased insurance costs.
Capricorn
Now that a Michigan man has won $30K in compensation when his parents threw out his porn collection, your eagle eye spies a new business opportunity. Your new “Porn Appraisal Project” works exclusively over the net and will value all items in dollars, Swiss francs, Euros, ethereum and Dogecoin; just make sure you’re paid in the right coin.
Aquarius
It’s time to make thing right, Aquarius. This week send out very long, frond-like feelers to Animal Rights group interested in protecting all Aquarians from Aquarium mistreatment. Your work at Sea World will set the rules.
Pisces
We see a quick path to future riches, Pisces. By domiciling Amazon as a separate, underwater nation, no state or local taxes need be paid. Jeff Bezos may want to go to Outer Space, but there’s more money to be had in Inner Space.