Aries
Many were upset by the results of this year’s Sociopath Olympics. Though many considered Bashir Assad a worthy exponent of vile sociopathy, their many fans were troubled that Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin did not win.
Rest easy. The Sociopath Olympics are never over.
With Mars in Virgo, this week celebrate with lemon pepper vodka this Sunday breakfast. There are plenty of reasons to drink.
Taurus
Birkin crypto bags are taking off almost as fast as wildfires in the West. This week up your style with new Birkins featuring Japanese Olympic Gold Medal skateboard champions. As with the original Birkins, their avatars will move from pariahs to princesses.
Get ready to roll, Taurus, and put that seatbelt on now.
Gemini
This week we suggest a new take on the Covid Crisis- the state campaign for “Fewer but Better Floridians.” Your ability to see both sides of every question should allow your marketing skills to be pushed to the limit.
Cancer
New moons make new possibilities. Opposed by Saturn but cherished by General Motors, this flighty but assertive new moon opens up romantic friendships in most unexpected places; consult your high school alumni website for options.
Leo
If there was ever a time to streamline the foods you eat, this week is it, Leo. Push out the pop tarts and bring in the lentils. Consider the wisdom of the ancients, including new Chinese snacks based on 3000 year old recipes culled from fabulous bronze inscriptions. And never, ever consider a Mandalorian diet, even before Christmas.
Virgo
This week you are going out of your own and entering someone else’s sign. Do not panic. Now that Mars is entering your territory this week become more aggressive in your dining choices, decisive in your book reading, and thoughtful in your treatment of small furry animals who do not know they bite.
Libra
This week be careful in dealing with the Cleveland ETs; some are soon to be deported, and will try to get you to buy cryptocurrencies already banned across the galaxy. The ETs in Columbus represent a better bet.
Scorpio
Space Hockey may not have worked in Area 51; DOD is concerned that the wrong kind of players might make landfall and request asylum. We suggest instead trying Sturgis, South Dakota. They’re ability to make COVID obtain national distribution may help your marketing go viral as well.
Sagittarius
This week avoid Romanian game shows and Nordic sit-coms. It’s hard not making trips due to increasing COVID spread, but your new alien stepmother has other entertainment ideas. Just don’t tell anyone, ever, what they are.
Capricorn
This week, work actively to dissuade the University of Alabama from changing their nickname from “Crimson Tide” to “Red Tide.” Alabama may be a truly loyal red state, but one can go too far.
Aquarius
Will Uranus and Pluto bring you an unwelcome surprise? Will a transiting Sun cool your romantic prospects with that gorgeous octopus from the Seychelles?
This week, put the stars in your pocket and a spring in your step. Start each morning with See No Evil sizzling cricket snacks and you’ll feel like an Aquarian again.
Pisces
Underwater pizzas are doing great, but are being attacked by conspiracy theorists who believe that all new pizzerias will be used for Satanic ends. Your new video showing cuttlefish creating magnificent Marguerite pizzas with local kelp may slightly dispel their malign intentions.