Aries
It’s hard being on top, Aries. The Zorro Programs of Masks for children is now banned in Texas and Florida. But Zorro will ride again! This week, from the depths of California, Zorro will drive to fight for justice and equality, the survival of community.
He’ll need all the help he can get.
Taurus
Virtual Birkin bags were a hit. The NFTs produced crypto prices just short of the lower stratosphere. This week consider invisible Birkins, made by famous artists in their minds and sold, one at a time, to the most discriminating buyers.
It’s time to make darkness visible.
Gemini
Ninjas everywhere are furious that Cyber Ninjas, a group claiming to Ninja and cybersecurity excellence while possessing neither, are winning headline after headline. True, it is because their fake audit of the Arizona presidential election keeps getting delayed by Covid, but still. This week, connect with your favorite ETs to start Alien Ninjas. The promotional opportunities cross every border.
Cancer
Your ET girlfriend turned out to have multiple sexes? Better exploration than expiration. With Covid rampant, this week hunker down and consider meeting prospective romantic partners at spelling bees. They should prove a more literate crowd.
Leo
In like a lion, out like a dragon. This week experience the peace and power of the Tao with a new windsurfing excursion to Loch Ness.
Virgo
Luckily Prince Andrew has not yet called his solicitor, but we suggest caution this week. A short excursion to a park, followed by lemon mushroom vodka and binge watching of the Golden Girls, may make national news bearable.
Libra
Now that you’re back from Diego Garcia, you want to do something good for your home. We agree that changing Florida’s slogan and license plate from “Sunshine” to “Superspreader” state is more accurate, especially in hurricane season. However, the number of syllables may be too long for some citizens. Perhaps WTF, “Welcome to Florida,” might be a more economical solution?
Scorpio
Life in the Sunshine State getting you down? This week do what you can for the future. Governor Ron DeSantis is looking for new slogans in his re-election campaign. Though “if you’re breathing you should be leaving” is punchier, we prefer the historical allusions of “fewer but better Floridians.”
Sagittarius
With Mars exiting South Asia, Venus stuck on Instagram posts and Saturn checking stock portfolios, this might be a pretty rough week. Time to study the Tao, learn from the fishes, and get ready to write a new chapter in your business Ninja playbook for kids.
Capricorn
This week the SEC (football, not the Federal Agency) is prepared to join Crimson Tide (Alabama), Orange Tide (Texas) and Red Tide (Florida) into a tideful Covid convergence extravaganza, with every seat in every stadium taken. Watch it all on television, please.
Aquarius
The moon may be in the southern skies, but we suggest you head north this week, Aquarius. Fish need food, so to avoid hurricanes and too hot seas, Northern Hemisphere Aquarians know where to go.
Pisces
Avoid underwater pizzas; the processing plant outside Singapore has become contaminated with exhausted, dancing kelp. We suggest Royal Dynasty Forever snacks, a tangy combination of lotus root and bamboo shoot that will never go out of style.