Week of August 23rd (weather permitting)

Aries

To stay number one, think number one. And when it comes to your chart, you are number one, Aries.

This week consider your latest brainstorm - the Zorro Project. With Zorro, children and adults learn wearing masks makes you a defender of the poor and defenseless, a fighter for truth, justice, and the survival of your family and community.

We need a lot of Zorros right now.

Taurus

Time to think not just inside the box, but beyond the box.

Your new virtual Birkin bags do just that. Designed as conceptual art, they will never be made. Yet the unique forms will be sold as NFTs.

This is the opportunity to own Birkins no one else will Ever own. Who can turn down that kind of fashion prize?

Gemini

There’s no place like America, Gemini, and you know it. This week you’ll start the “Ultimate Fight” program, pitting Americans versus Canadians, Australians, French and Andorrans in careful, orchestrated, non-harmful one-on-one fights with kangaroos and geese. Americans consistently report higher confidence of their ability to win these contests than other nationalities. You’ll be able to provide proof, plus the beginning of a new entertainment start-up.

Cancer

Maybe checking your high school alumni website for future romantic partners was not the best policy in the middle of a pandemic. ETs are willing to help. Dating ETs is virtually certain to provide little COVID exposure, while exposing you to body parts and types far from this world. Take plenty of lemon mushroom vodka with you on your first forays.

Leo

Ancient Chinese snacks have filled you with a sense of peace, understanding, and acceptance of your previous existences. Use this new found centering to consider new hobbies like sky diving or bungee jumping that allow you access to the Tao of the unexpected and uncanny.

Virgo

With the moon ascendant and Saturn in bitter retreat, this is a week to utilize your well honed gifts for fantasy and fabrication. Your new, unauthorized biography of Prince Andrew and his expansive exploits will make the future authorized version appear authoritative, allowing the truth to finally come out.

Libra

It’s been a rough two years. The kids are going nuts, Covid is rampant, and floods, wildfires and tornados threaten your home and grandparents’ place.

You need a real vacation. We suggest a personalized trip to Diego Garcia, where English rules the day. Far from anything except the ocean, the friendly American troops on the island will make sure no one molests your time alone.

Scorpio

Sturgis may not be too hot on becoming the latest landing site for ETs; apparently they think they have enough already. But America has always been welcoming to refugees, especially from other planets. This week contact the amiable folk over at The Villages. There’s plenty of open Florida land, and a population where extra-planetary thinking can easily become all the rage. For your introduction, bring a download of “Cocoon.”

Sagittarius

You’ve always wanted to meet Quentin Tarantino, and this week may be your chance. A few well placed Facebook stories on growing up with your mother, and the filmmaker may soon be visiting your website.

Capricorn

It worked. Alabama football’s “Crimson Tide” will remain the “Crimson Tide,” despite the extending popularity of Red Tide. But you’ve got a better idea - “Orange Tide” for the UT football team. With a moniker like that, Texas’ great ball team should be able to clean out the opposition without even visiting the laundromat.

Aquarius

See No Evil cricket snacks have made you feel young again, and it’s time to use that extra energy. This week we suggest you organize coral across the seas for better working conditions, especially lower acidity levels, so that they can continue their good work spawning life across the globe.

Pisces

Cuttlefish are outraged by the internet campaigns impugning their ability to fashion underwater pizzas. Fear not. A new branding campaign this week featuring dancing kelp and Aquaman downing a supersized slice might just do the trick.