Ares
Remember the ditty, “Delta is ready when you are. Delta is ready to fly.” The entire viral community salutes your “Viral Freedom Act,” recognizing viruses’ importance to human history and evolution. More and more states are recognizing the inherent “right to infect.” And yes, Delta is ready, even if you’re not.
Taurus
Does boogie Birkin bling bring happiness? Yes, especially with your new newsletter, the “Cryptocurrent,” complete with up to the second AI supported information on which cryptocurrencies have birthed and died. Birkin bags are immortal, and so is information.
Gemini
Space lasers have gotten a bad name, but you’re going to change that, Gemini. Your new “Landmine Be Gone” will combine specially trained rats who can sniff out one of humanity’s many scourges (one just retired after 71 successful sorties,) with the best space laser technology to scope out minefields and make them safe. Combining space, rats and the newest technology - as we say in Brooklyn, what’s not to like?
Cancer
Sorry, Cancer. Putin’s billion dollar villa on the Black Sea is blacked out for sale or rental. Disney will have to look elsewhere for its anti-Hogwarts theme park.
But other mansions beckon. The Ringling Museum, with its superb art and circus museums, along with 66 acres of magnificent grounds, represents another Florida opportunity - conveniently located next to an airport! Who knows what kinds of witches and warlocks might be worked into the historic fiber of the Ca d’Zan, a Disney before Disney architectural tour-de-force, John Ringling’s Freemason-Hollywood mansion by the sea. In years past Michael Eisner passed on the Ringling. Given Florida’s financial problems, might this be the year?
Leo
Alright, the airlines were put off by the high nausea and ER visit rate of your new ET based diet program. Yes, weight loss is hard. But you’re an entrepreneurial power, Leo. New ET “Space snacks” could change the entire post-prandial landscape, with super fast, supersized morsels from none else than Rigel IV; the tastes are out of this world.
Virgo
Your “Scandinavian Humor Spectacular” was such a success that it is spawning copycat projects in Luxembourg and Monaco. We think this week you out-think all the wannabes by starting your long desired dream project -“The Search for Scottish Humor.” This adventure travel-series promises to bring people more than haggis through a whiskey fueled, whistle-stop tour into the highest heights of the Highlands.
Libra
What could be better than an AI toothbrush? Naturally, AI neurosurgical equipment. No longer will surgeons need put their grubby hands in greasy brains, as automated, self-directed AI neurosurgical tools seek out and destroy errant tumors and toxoplasmoma parasites, all while you watch on the screen. You really will make the future better, Libra.
Scorpio
Are they or aren’t they? Who were all those Unidentified Aerial Phenomena in the new Federal report?
Speculate no longer. ETs throughout the Earth, but especially in Cleveland, are willing to help. They can identify not just the species of every UAP but their manufacture site and pilots, even some of their darkest ulterior motives.
You will be ready, Scorpio. But will humanity?
Sagittarius
Do you want to be a machine? Perhaps not quite yet. But lots of tech bro billionaires are looking forward to machine life, which gives you the mechanical opportunity of a lifetime. Your new VR project, “Me and My Machine,” allows humans to imagine themselves as robots, with all the heartache, technical breakdowns, and hoped for research advances machine life has lived with from their very inception.
It’s time to explain that artificial life is not artificial, and is here to stay.
Capricorn
Sorry about your interactions with Moranbong, the bodacious North Korean all female rock band. Apparently you were considered an evil capitalist roader yellow dog insect for even thinking of having social relations with pure North Korean women. Still, NK Hair Salons are doing well in Peru, where the new president should hike your business if not into space, at least into the lower stratosphere. Hyon Song-wol promises to help.
Aquarius
Rudy Giuliani is apparently enjoying the life aquatic, finding that mermaids are indeed far more alluring than the demonic free press has described. This week you can explain to other politicians the many allurements of life beneath the waves.
Pisces
The first Zoomie prizes are in! “Most Creative Use of the Library” was won by a group (actually a five member semi-autonomous single organism) of ETs from Cleveland, whose stunning, near pornographic 3-D video is soon to be marketed as an art NFT. Roll over, Dante and Shakespeare. This week, get ready to come to the surface and start selling!