Horoscopes - Week of 1/13/2020

Aries

This week’s opportunity to excel may include your becoming the finest practitioner of paddleboard yoga of all and sundry you know. Choose warm, unpolluted waters (f there are any) whenever possible; inhabitants of Florida and Louisiana – recognize that gators may be transfixed by your extraordinary calm and superb form.

Taurus

Trust us – Mercury does not own your sign, nor does Ford Mercury. One of the major factors determining your future is a double quasar in the galaxy’s Beta quadrant. Quasars should be quiescent this week, providing greater opportunity for relaxation and family fun over the next few days.

Gemini

The holidays are over, and now you get really relaxed! Chill by binge watching all 22 Star Wars movies chronologically. Watching two at a time on separate screens may increase your understanding of The Force and prepare you for upcoming changes in the gig economy.

Cancer

The holidays taught you that the ends do not justify the means. But the means may justify the means, which does not mean you must be average. Try using different means to the same ends, or better, different means for subtly differing ends, and your social life should become more engaging.

Leo

This is your first week to try out your new lessons from Club Narcissus. Recognize that looking out for Number 1 will always aid the economy and increase personal and national efficiency; economic selfishness is selfless when you own the right perspective.

Virgo

Love means more than never having to say you’re sorry. But it can also mean don’t be sorry from missing out. Throw out that long checklist you’ve kept for your ideal romantic partner and quickly your dance card should fill up.

Libra

It’s time to rebalance your cantilevered life. Read up on architecture and ask yourself – am I more spandrel than arch, or perhaps a secretly powerful column? Your future happiness may ride on the outcome.

Scorpio

Weeks of overeating and vigorous yoga leave you anxiously prepared for the future. When you find people are truly annoying, use the Japanese concept of honne and not allow your face or actions to register the slightest evidence of your visceral displeasure.

Sagittarius

Your lightspeed mind will give you fascinating new avenues for social entrepreneurship. Resist most of them, and find a Libra friend to guide you through the labyrinth of exciting life choices, so that your future path will alight before you.

Capricorn

Your bliss at the end of the holidays and the chance to get back to sensible work will potentially annoy some of those around you. Ask two people you trust to tell you in confidence your greatest fault. When they cannot find any, compliment them on their honesty.

Aquarius

2020, with its many simultaneous disturbances in the Force throughout the known and unknown galaxy, should be a very good year for you. Eat ramen whenever possible this week to fortify your inner balance to prepare for unexpected events.

Pisces

You are looking for new and interesting business and social possibilities. Consider consulting a priestess of pet rocks, whose reading of the lines of ancient terrestrial cataclysms can point you towards more effective winnowing of competing strategies.