Horoscopes - Week of 12/22/19

Libra

This week your haircutter and dog groomer may start a deep romantic relationship. Do not acknowledge foreknowledge to either, but be ready to ask for discounts from both.

Aries

Buy half as many stocks as you sell, but only on Friday. Target business to business tech and hair products, preferably in Asia.

Taurus

This week McDonalds is your friend, Burger King your enemy. Avoid all cheeseburgers, especially those with extra tomatoes.

Gemini

Double up on studying Russian. A new romantic opportunity may present, including an extraterrestrial flame. ETs love hearing the Taming of the Shrew in Russian, an advantage your competitors will not conceive.

Cancer

Reading the New York Post may tilt you to adoring epileptics – but avoid the temptation. Instead try protecting bonobos, particularly from opponents of gay marriage, and you may receive a surprise reward.

Leo

This is your best week for eating pizza in more than a year. Personally present your best followers with a slice and you may achieve unexpected renown.

Virgo

This is the week to start the stamp collection you always wanted. While you study world stamps, be observant and assertive, but remain skeptical.

Scorpio

This is the week to do your Christmas merchandise returns before Christmas. Your good will will be appreciated the next time someone again attempts identity theft against you.

Sagittarius

Lemon fritter breakfasts may provoke you to revelations of your past half-truths and flexible morals. You may be drawn to prayer – especially for your country.

Capricorn

Your secret desire for jalapeno potato crisps can finally be indulged, and will offer you insane pleasure. Your remorse can be worked off by extra labor Christmas Eve. Remember, despite the holidays, never eat Faberge eggs.

Aquarius

You will be tempted to start a romance with your probation officer, but don’t forget the cameras. You may wish instead to consider his husband for your bowling league.

Pisces

A clash of quasars may cause you to forget all details of every Star Wars movie. Take this as an opportunity for personal and civilizational advancement.