Horoscopes - Week of 12/29/19

Aries

Your drive towards ultimate professional success has never had a greater prospect of reward. But first, you must fix your mother-in-law’s computer problems to obtain the proper karma to advance. When frustration turns vengeful, use the Force for solace and comfort.

Taurus

The opportunities to receive fabulous price discounts on coveted luxury items will reach a new pinnacle. Consider the Malaysian grey market as your first chance for bargains, especially in winter coats - Florida may feel colder this year.

Gemini

A major celebrity of the past will reach out to you at a most unexpected time. Yet Nigerian scammers have infiltrated Hollywood, and your future Social Security payments may prove at risk. Resist.

Cancer

Your intuitive grasp of people and the markets will continue to progress. As the Mideast heats up and Australia burns, consider long calls on pork bellies; you may want to go long both the WTF and VIX options before the beginning of the Chinese New Year.

Leo

Your deep understanding and concern for others will finally be acknowledged. Allow your followers to celebrate with you through a feast of Singaporese spicy shrimp, that will increase your collective creativity in the coming year. And for the coming week, avoid Cheerios.

Virgo

Good fortune will be yours when you use your new Three-D printer to produce your own unique lucky snowball. Make sure the spherical tolerances are less than one millimeter and your next year will be more fortunate than ever. But also make certain only you are allowed to drink its holy water whence your lucky snowball melts.

Libra

The recent recognition of Wakanda as a US trade partner finally makes your ultimate dream trip fully possible. Remember to label the vibranium spear you bring back as “children’s toy”; if that fails, call it a “home protection device” and vigorously assert your Second Amendment rights.

Scorpio

Old Christmas movies have sparked in you the return of youthful romantic passions. Watch “Brief Encounter” at least three times with your new beloved and observe your innermost desires become fulfilled.

Sagittarius

A massive regional deformation in the Force provoked by the newest Star Wars movie will improve your chance to access the nine realms and travel half the world. For safety, pack your Kylo Ren outfit in your nifty new backpack, and consider buying a vibranium dagger on reaching remote locations.

Capricorn

Juggling has never been your forte, but it will become one over the holiday season. Steel yourself, and know that when you reach five balls you will attain a state of determination that will clear endless paths before you.

Aquarius

It’s true – your probation officer does love another. But it is not her husband, and accompanying her to 4-H meetings will demonstrate your kindness and forethought and provide you the chance to meet someone very special in your new life.

Pisces

National calamities will force you to swim against the current with lung sapping energy. Yet this will allow you to watch the “Irishman” with intense, Zen like concentration that will give you new insights for business success.