Horoscopes - Week of 2/10/2020

Aries

Your awesomeness will now extract a price, which you have not yet paid. Prepare for your no-holds-barred National Inquirer interview by studying the wit, philosophy and recent life of Jeff Bezos. Consider bringing a Saudi friend.

Taurus

Your courageous purchase of a 65 inch, 4K television allows you to showcase an extraordinary handbag collection, displaying your favorite platinum Birkin bag larger than life. Even if you do not possess that bag or any other, fear not: image is everything.

Gemini

Your fizzing energy may allow your new Sussex Royale brand of organic, sustainable rainforest vodkas to corner the market in Concow and Paradise, California. Your mushroom vodka is a hit, but its transformation for the Russian market into lemon mushroom vodka could take St. Petersburg by storm.

Cancer

A misalignment of dark energy in the forsaken galactic epsilon sector provides you a new entry point into Venezuelan government bonds. Relish this opportunity and strike fast, for it may be scuttled by false rumors of new pathogens.

Leo

Now that you’re over your epic lemon mushroom vodka hangover, you will have the chance to meet a tall, dark, alluring stranger. Do not speak of politics or weather changes, but emphasize your love of risotto and Rhodesian ridgebacks and romance may beckon.

Virgo

Having made a killing in your stamp collection, you finally have the capital to enter your overpriced local real estate market. Resist. Consider instead an overdue vacation to Wakanda, where you may learn new lessons in humility.

Libra

You’ve read between the lines, and now it’s time to play your cards right. Still, remember: you can’t tell a book by its cover, and you’ve got lots of low hanging fruit to bring to the table.

Scorpio

Your yearning for Izabella Scorupco is driven by your innate romantic Scorpio nature but ill-advised; it may be time to settle for the girl, boy or fellow sufferer next door.

Sagittarius

Your quest to make the world a better place is rewarded when the AI Collective selects you for its model parenting program. The “Thinking of Having a Family – Try Rental Children First” system, pioneered in Southern California, may surge into national hyperdrive when you add novel features of term limits and sliding scale fees.

Capricorn

A reputation for calculating, analytic hardness is crushed when you join the Ba Bing, Ba Boom movement for creative accounting, where the financial lessons of the Mob bosses are applied to large data companies and political campaign financing.

Aquarius

Your plan to have the RNC taken private by an LBO backed by VTB Bank meets initial opposition, but be bold and mighty forces will ally behind you.

Pisces

After your talking fish become a major viral hit, your attempt to make non-infectious viruses display idiosyncratic personalities and speech may be too much too fast; when in doubt, always learn from Disney.