Horoscopes - Week of 2/17/2020

Aries

The week will start quietly but end deliciously when one of Jeff Bezos’ staffers asks you for help with the tycoon’s legal and musculoskeletal problems. But before you reach the top, recall the bottom. Your mettle has often been sorely tried, but now the summit beckons. Step up while remembering days down.

Taurus

Your brave purchase of a 65 inch television has won you many new friends and an alluring new apartment cleaner, but this week marks the chance to think boldly of a new career. Uranus is your friend, but Pluto is no longer your enemy – plan your resume accordingly.

Gemini

Your new lemon mushroom vodka wins you a first class ticket to Moscow, but a chance encounter with a hairdresser matters more. Hair is more than hair – for you it is your armor, your image. Shampoo it with all the honor and care due to yourself.

Cancer

Dark energy in the gamma sector has exploded and provided you a new entry point into an exciting but unknown to you social network. A new moon means you may acquire a new master or mistress, but beware Pluto ascending, and keep your checkbook super safe.

Leo

Your new love and love of dogs combine to make this a particularly opportune week for you. You will meet yet another a new partner or collaborator, but do not let on about the importance you will have to their future life. Modesty is your watchword, if only for this week. Be wary of misalignments with Saturn and your steering wheel.

Virgo

Even before you leave your trip to Wakanda nourishes you with a wish to enjoy the future now. Recognize that your home and family have never mattered to you as much as they might this coming Friday. Your fear of contagion will also push you to train your children and coworkers in proper surgical handwashing techniques.

Libra

This week represents a chance to let yourself go. Take not one, but two naps. Good luck may come to you when you shift from espresso to cappuccino, especially when it comes to discerning big bargains in Baghdadi real estate.

Scorpio

Having ditched Isabella Scorupco for a legendary mob boss’s former partner, guess again. Their capacity to read your emails may lead you into troubled waters, and Simon and Garfunkel are no longer able to help. Calling on friends from high school, though humiliating, may work best while Mercury is retrograde.

Sagittarius

This week provides you a rare opportunity to swim underwater and not hold your breath. You might wish to put on your flippers to avoid the brackish bay of stereotype and cliché. Put off major changes, and find an autobiographical estuary that will give you the best chance at a relaxed sense of purposeful concentration.

Capricorn

Your new polls have captured the future before it even starts. This week offers you the chance to turn circumstances into calculation, emotions into engines, and a rare chance to enjoy lemon mushroom vodka and pumpkin ramen without indigestion. But beer chasers are a no-no.

Aquarius

Your move to make Meghan and Harry new rulers of the coming American Monarchy gathers force. This week hold your nose and answer the calls of all telemarketers, who will give you new insight into your future and that of the nation.

Pisces

This week your intense secret talks with your inner ego will finally bear fruit. Let the present take its natural course, but carefully negotiate within yourself the bounds of your future economic compensation. Do not become greedy; bear in mind that the new moon will influence your boss to bow to Saturn, while your good taste is tested by realigning dark energy from a distant drifting galaxy.