Horoscopes - Week of 2/3/2020

Aries

Your ability to dominate, destroy, overwhelm, obliterate, violate, vanquish and annihilate your opposition has turned a tad too awesome. On a 1-10 scale, dial down your domineering power from an 11 to a more manageable 9.62.

Taurus

Overcome your lust for luxury by binge watching Marie Kondo videos (preferably in Japanese, better for spirituality), but hedge your bets by investing in local storage facilities for a big business score.

Gemini

Highlight your impetuous spirit by becoming a part time impeachment counselor as the process sweeps corporate America. Point out that two wrongs do make a right, three wrongs a political campaign, and four (major) wrongs a political party, and watch the rich and powerful beat a path to your door.

Cancer

Your astounding personal sensitivity to others makes you the ideal candidate for taking Meghan and Harry on a quiet tour of Mar-a-Lago, where you demonstrate the great benefits of taking corporate royalty private as a new Private Equity investment niche. Royal families everywhere may thank you.

Leo

A collision of binary stars in the remote galactic kappa sector promises to shift American politics. Start a campaign to change the American Congress’s name to the National People’s Congress, and support will build from leaders all over the world.

Virgo

Knowledge of Practical Economic Theory has reinvigorated your inner entrepreneur. Your new business of supersweet artisanal beef pastry tarts will win over new bar customers while attracting skilled chefs fleeing Parisian strikes.

Libra

Your understanding of the different trajectories of fantasy and reality makes you an ideal stock analyst. Engage your inner Iron Mountain, but do not disparage your raging inner bull and BS detector.

Scorpio

Your passion and romantic nature will allow your new product of ramen flavored lipstick to go viral, shocking cosmetologists from Kobe to Karachi.

Sagittarius

An adventurous and open nature will make you consider special discount travel vouchers for Wuhan and central China, but think instead of Danger Travel’s new reasonably priced tours to Nova Zemlya for a brisk, invigorating vacation.

Capricorn

You may be old as the hills, but you’re fit as a fiddle and without a care in the world as you recognize the totality of your life’s experience as a diamond in the rough.

Aquarius

Your buff bodacious body has provided you offers from all the many potential sexes but you must choose carefully; Medicare and Social Security may not be around forever.

Pisces

Your novel psychotherapy technique of talking to fish, which you intuitively interpret for warring partners in couple’s therapy, helps sparks a new interest in endangered species as politicians recognize how much accumulated wisdom may suddenly be lost.