Horoscopes - Week of 3/22/2020

Aries

Your awesomeness achieves international significance when Good Housekeeping offers you an online column on political investing. Knowing who owns and controls whom has never been more lucrative for you or your readers.

Taurus

A matchless collection of Birkin and Kelly bags has always provided you great solace; doing Ashtanga yoga while gazing on your platinum Birkin should give you calm in our sea storm of worry.

Just remember – everything you touch touches everyone you know.

Gemini

Studying the Force has allowed you to secretly visit Wakanda and stay there despite travel bans and border restrictions. When it is safe to return, you will use your new ties with Vibranium mining tycoons to jumpstart the future leap in American manufacturing.

Cancer

Putting lemon mushroom vodka on Martian lava rocks is gaining you entrée into the highest reaches of the alcohol industry’s approaching ascendance. As people spend more and more time alone and at home, watch your profits surge.

Leo

Supporting national policy has gained you the “Greater than Great” award of your local Junior Achievement. Soon you will be able to do online lectures for tweens in the unimaginably magnificent opportunities of a meteoric career in sales, preparing them for a future economic upturn.

Virgo

Your talent for cooperation has allowed you to gain the position of chief chef of the regional Wiccan association. Magic has never tasted better than your tongue of sparrow in aspic, and already your North Korean sisters are begging for your inventive, frugal recipes.

Libra

Don’t imagine that all your new Dale Carnegie friends will abandon you because of a global pandemic. They are only waiting for a better time to recognize your fellowship and bonhomie, knowing that you have secretly scorched their wayward souls.

Scorpio

A massive crash of the Dark Side of the Force, particularly severe in the beta sector of the galaxy, may leave your love life in tatters. But fear not. Passion is power, and your spirited defense of online canoodling will gain you adherents.

Sagittarius

Your plan to restart Danger Travel in late summer appeals to both your mischievous and adventurous side, but beware: your Sun house is descending, and Mercury’s burgeoning ascendance over Mars promises conflict with your mother-in-law. When you are able to travel, this may be a good time to fix her computer.

Capricorn

In the universe all is flux, all realities rising and vanishing in a single endless moment. Understanding universal currents will allow you to survive all that will be thrown at you at least during the next week, though you may occasionally wish to sprint in order to avoid the splatter.

Pisces

Your sinuous and shifting nature notwithstanding, shocking events of the last month means this will be your best week for eating frozen pizza in a generation. Emphasize hard, curling crusts.

Aquarius

Water stocks may be down, but you’re not. A new comet originating far, far out in the alpha sector should arrive in the next sixty years, easily replenishing earth’s most valuable resource. Use the Force to attain great inner patience.