Horoscopes - Week of 3/30/2020

Aries

Your online plans for a hip hop, animated version of “Throw Momma From the Train” is already a hit. You will be nominated soon for the Dan Patrick “Sensitivity Award”; unfortunately, Danny De Vito will not be attending the winner’s ceremony.

Taurus

Your week long quarantine of your favorite platinum Birkin Bag has paid off. Now you will be able to touch and fondle it with deep love, while adding its fabulous image to your Instagram feed.

Gemini

Sadly you will not be able to return from Wakanda to the US for several months. But thanks to Venus declining and Mars ascending, your plan to have vibranium spears sent to American gun and ammo shops for the summer hunting season appears close to obtaining greater official approval, with beef in short supply.

Cancer

A massive deformation in the Force, felt throughout both the Marvel and Disney universes, has caused economic dislocation and derailed your plans to sell your artisanal lemon mushroom vodka as an antibiological. . Do not give up, however; though American officials think your alcohol content too low to kill pathogens, Russia may soon request your product.

Leo

Your online lectures for Junior Achievement tweens on “Achieving Meteoric Business Success” have already gone gold. Your new program on “Selling Off Your Virtual Self” might even achieve diamond status on TikTok.

Virgo

Your kindliness has led your fellow Wiccans to choose you to head their virtual sewing circle. The masks you donate to local hospitals are specially infused with the most ancient of magical spells. In a way never seen before, the public is recognizing the increasing influence of magic on our economic and political life.

Libra

Your modifications of Dale Carnegie lessons for pandemic times are bearing fruit. With traditional opportunities for meeting strangers in short supply, online courses on meeting friends and influencing people should become increasingly popular.

Scorpio

Passion, patience and persistence are this week’s watchwords for you, Scorpio. Your ninth happiness sun is beginning to approach the asteroid Ecliptic; better times are ahead, though you may have to wait a lot longer than usual.

Sagittarius

Extraordinary times require extraordinary efforts. Your new project to place you and Danger Travel’s future customers on the Astral Plane offers new chances for journeys and adventures beyond this planet. Be ready to ask your Wiccan friends for help, and be prepared to watch Japanese anime with fierce, intense concentration.

Capricorn

Though your logic is flawless, please do not make public your new report demonstrating the economic windfall to Social Security of Covid-19. But you should consider sending a copy to a variety of economic thinkers like Casey Mulligan, who will appreciate your prescience.

Pisces

Your previous work on the advantages of aloneness are attracting you new fans in the twittersphere. But don’t go too far; hermit huts and tiny houses may need to take a back seat during the early part of the economic recovery, especially with import restrictions.

Aquarius

The massive dislocation in the Force may cause you inner tension, but fear not. The water sign is a sign of prosperity, and your plans for a designer, UV equipped plumbing supply business should do well in the future economy.