Horoscopes - Week of 3/8/2020

Aries

Your plan for “pre-need” presidential pardons is a huge hit in Washington; Roger Stone has already sent his fan rave. But this is no time to rest on your laurels. This is the week to consider buying the blog “When Good Things Happen to Bad People” so all the folks you help with pre-need pardons can provide you an ongoing income stream.

Time to dream of an IPO?

Taurus

Your knowledge of industrial rock and dance already grants you near legendary status in East Brooklyn. This is the week where your knowledge of chiptune and electrotrance heralds your entrance to Dancehall Valhalla.

Gemini

Though your lack of recognition has lasted near eternity, it’s just a matter of time before everyone reads between the lines and recognizes they’re not laughing at you but with you. With quasar clashes heightening throughout the distant galactic theta sector, this is a great week, perhaps the best in a decade, to enjoy vegan-style pepperoni pizza.

Cancer

As Covid-19 spreads, your lemon mushroom vodka is a hit, not incidentally as a DIY anti-viral wash. This week, consider franchise opportunities in Japan and Iran.

Leo

Don’t let your Aries friends defeat you in the scramble for decisiveness. Your new plan to set up “viral-free” vacation zones in national parks around the world may win you much deserved kudos for your ascending awesomeness.

Virgo

Your new friendliness with ETs has not gone unnoticed in Washington, which in this election year is desperate to prevent even the most useful extraterrestrials from emigrating to our shores. You might want to use this week to dial down on your public outreach, especially your adventurous dating life.

Libra

This week your understanding and sympathy for others may give you special opportunities to meet new people who will change your life. Consider their offers carefully, but recognize that diamonds in the rough might leave you with too many cares in this world, even if you have nerves of steel.

Scorpio

Your romantic nature may be rewarded this week. Your long germinating plans to “Bring America Together” achieve greater attention when your plan to pardon Michael Avenatti wins White House Attention. In a time of uncertainty national unity is more important than ever – and as Rod Blagojevich noted, who among us has not sinned?

Sagittarius

With the public obsessed with death, your plan for a local “Recompose” franchise looks prescient this week. Using a gentle process of allowing loved ones combined with natural materials to gently decompose over a month, you not only save on the environmental costs of cremation but demonstrate your burgeoning ecological credentials.

Capricorn

This week should be studded with excellent news, including novel chances for career advancement. Jupiter will give you good fortune, but Mercury’s rise may provide you a real fortune as your proprietary AI “Coronametrics” program integrates stock futures data with real time Covid-19 case numbers.

But beware: Nature is non-partisan. And you cannot fool her.

Aquarius

With Mars in Capricorn and Aries risking the political doghouse, new chances await you this week for advancements in risk management/ romance. The Sun may rule your partners, but a requested threesome will offer you new social and economic company. Keep your eyes peeled, and whatever you do, don’t close them.

Pisces

Your talent for talent will make this week an especially fun time for you. Your new blog analyzing the best places to enjoy and create entertainment alone may give you entry to new profit and social network influencer opportunities.