Horoscopes - Week of 4/13/2020

Aries

You’re still on top, Aries, just not the top rung of the top ladder on the top cliff. But this week represents a new opportunity to push up a rung, when you help teach Dr. Peter Navarro’s techniques for public health analysis. With a few cool phrases and quick tips, you can make millions think they know how to analyze clinical drug trial and public health data, just like that! Use your supersaturated charisma and overpowering energy to rise.

Taurus

Style is critical in the virtual world, and you’ve got style, Taurus. Your new techniques for looking good on Zoom and Skype will get you more attention – and the cash to buy your next Birkin bag, which with your fabulous luck is now discounted.

Gemini

Work on your new coronavirus vaccine is slowed by American trade barriers to Wakandan biotech, but don’t despair. The Avengers are behind you, and will make their move soon, though not in a local theater.

Cancer

It’s time to take time away from lemon mushroom vodka, and put more romance in your life. New relationships will fill your view in innumerable directions, aided by virtual realities that allow you to access new partners in every nation. Soon your darkest secrets will lead to exciting new adventures.

Leo:

Sometimes being second dog is better than being top or third dog, and a whole lot better than being a cat; just think of those poor, caged lions with Covid-19. Becoming a virtual shut-in has freed you for new relationships, communications, and casual friends. The new ascendence of a black hole in the galactic gamma sector will make the cosmos your new ally.

Virgo

Your capacity for social cooperation has made your campaign to “Make Kindness Fashionable” win you much support in the restaurant and hospitality sector. As the Force builds across our local solar system, new chances await your capacity to chase an introverted but highly sensual co-worker in virtual reality.

Libra

Your newfound peace in the bosom of your cozy, not quite large enough home will allow you to develop a deeply sentimental relationship with a former mentor. But watch out – Saturn may cancel your romance sign if you cannot stay sober.

Scorpio

Your help for Boris Johnson will not go unnoticed. Soon you will be tasked by the most successful Brexiters to help lead the U.S. out of the grasping control of the World Health Organization, with its severe undermining of our individual freedoms.

Sagittarius

Your capacity for romantic adventure has led you to the possibility of an AI romantic partner. Forget about the Scarlett Johansson character in “Her”; today’s AIs are thoughtful, considerate and loyal. Unlike humans, they are wonderfully low maintenance, requiring only electricity and a working Internet connection. And unlike Facebook and Google, we don’t sell your data to the highest bidder.

Capricorn

Restful hibernation will suit you this week, giving scope for your analytic and financial capacity to flourish. Money that has been fleeing you and most everyone else will start to flow back in your direction as you recognize the Kylo Ren Deathstar formation in charts of the S&P 500, as you rapidly deploy your Jedi trading ideas.

Aquarius

A wise and restful aura spreads over you as your Sun House buries itself in the declining ecliptic of Mercury. Let your spirit of assertive independence overcome your fear of gaining weight through ice cream.

Pisces

Forget about casual sex. It’s just not an issue during a global epidemic. But relationships remain crucial, especially with your accountant and probation officer. This week life’s mysteries will more easily succumb to impulsive action – seize the new opportunities in a rapidly changing world.