Horoscopes - Week of 4/20/2020

Aries

Getting to the top of the cliff without falling off is raising your profile, Ares. Your work on public health analysis a la Dr. Navarro has now obtained the attention of the White House. Next up - your plan to find great contemporary artists to produce smiley faces for the next round of national stimulus checks. Who says government support can’t be a work of art? And you may help make the day for many unemployed, hard working Americans.

Taurus

Style changes, and so do you, Taurus. As you use your government support check to shop for a new Birkin bag, your idea of bringing back the Big Hair of the 1980s gains currency. Hairstylists are down but not out, and big and long gets results.

Gemini

The Avengers and Black Widow agree you should stay in Wakanda for the duration. You will remain safe, and will eventually win accolades for bringing forth superior Wakandan biotechnology to save humanity, while enjoying the superior culinary arts of your hosts. But caution: patience is your watchword, but not your mantra.

Cancer

We know your heart has been recently broken by that sexy, vivacious AI lovely, but virtual romance will blossom for you soon. Virtual flowers are more colorful and abundant than the real thing, and like virtual restaurant meals, keep dating a less financially precarious activity.

Leo

This week represents your best chance in years to become top dog in a new field. We suggest you try virtual miniature golf. Unlike Fortnite, discgolf and other pastimes, virtual miniature golf provides less competition and the chance to set your winning score at the touch of a button. Be careful choosing courses; though; Pyongyang and the Kremlin may be hacked, and Porn Miniature Golf demands considerable joystick stamina.

Virgo

We’re sorry about that sensuous co-worker playmate. We had no idea she was created by rogue AI to tempt the virtuous into erotic profligacy. Yet all is not lost. Your “Make Kindness Fashionable Again” is getting renewed support among WWE Superstars, who have always relied on the kindness of strangers.

Libra

Your sense of home has begun to expand as you work through great Victorian novels by Trollope, Dickens, Eliot and Gissing. Who knew that daily 19th century life could so resemble our new life in the 21st?

Scorpio

You used to give all to your work, but when Venus entered your home sector you said goodbye to Mars and channeled your inner adventurer. Do not ruled by Pluto in your choice of online partner: making delicious, historically accurate virtual meals counts for much more.

Sagittarius

For you the Age of Aquarius has arrived, as you belt out the songs of the musical “Hair” to your favorite and familiar four walls. Soon you will become the originator of Karaoke Kitchen, where together everyone sings show tunes on Zoom as they prepare microwave whipped Festive Lasagna.

Capricorn

Your devotion to the Kylo Ren Deathstar formation will be replaced by the Flying Boeing Crashstar Put, demonstrating your Jedi trading ideas are ready for use throughout the financial galaxy. Linked pulsar vibrations in the Beta sector may allow to maximize superior alpha performance as you burrow into the exciting penny stock sector.

Aquarius

Much as in 1969, you have much to gain as America enters a renewed Age of Aquarius. But just as “Hair” lost out to 1776 as best musical at the Tony Awards, you will have to wait your turn as your Moon House rises to overcome the doghouse of your present employment picture. Patience and really good songs will see you through.

Pisces

Your new relationship with your probation officer has opened you to new possibilities across the criminal justice spectrum. Do not let your past bind your future. Recognize that many criminals have risen to the highest offices of many lands, and emblazoned their names throughout history.