Horoscopes - Week of 4/27/2020

Aries

You’re not just on the tip of the top of the edge of the cliff, Aries, you’re flying above the fray. Your idea to make Martin Shkreli the new national head of Covid-19 drug development is genius. Shkreli really knows how to make drugs pay! And the orignal “Pharma Bro” has already come up (from prison!) with some real winners that might defeat the pandemic. Of course unleashing Shkreli’s innovation invasion requires a presidential pardon - but that’s just a signature.

Taurus

Designer pandemic masks are a big hit, thanks to you. High luxe retailers realized nothing sells like free, wearable art. Now your extraordinary platinum Birkin bag will be appreciated by everyone you meet, in a socially responsible, orally expansive form.

Gemini

Your mantra has outlived your outlook, but fear not. Restrictions on Wakandan air space may soon lift, and we have it on the best authority that Nick Fury himself will whisk you to Washington. Vibranium forever, especially for the Pentagon.

Cancer

You still want back your former AI lover? Than this is your week, Cancer to strut your strength. The AI Collective is beginning classes in AI languages, especially formatted for humans in lockdown. What better way to learn the new mathematics of love?

Leo

Virtual miniature golf has proven more hazardous than expected; who wants to be hacked on the last play of the ninth hole? Instead you’ll rise to the occasion by starting a new program of virtual rental children. Loneliness will be banished as virtual children wake you from slumber, demand impossible to source foods, ask your help for homework in subjects you don’t understand, and complain bitterly about their toilet paper choices. Best of all, when you’re finished, you can give them back!

Virgo

Your desire to make everyone happy doesn’t always make you happy, Virgo. But finally you’ve gotten an idea that everyone can get behind. The president has long been unhappy with his HHS secretary, who continues to ask for months nasty questions about virus response. But your suggestion, to replace him with Tom Hanks, should please almost everyone. Not only has Hanks survived Covid-19, but he is immensely likable and has great name recognition. For a president who prefers acting secretaries, what better choice?

Libra

It’s so sad succoring a sick pet. And now that we know cats can get Covid-19, you’re doing something about it. Your new Covidcat app let’s children go through all the stages of the virus with a virtual black feline, all the way from the sniffles to veterinary ICU and hydroxychloroquine treatments. You won’t just train kids in medicine, but in sharing and caring.

Scorpio

You’re feeling strong, determined, focused. Retrograde Mercury and Sinking Saturn now power a new romantic future, as your very sexy virtual partners use their programming skills to signal your surprising sexual success.

Sagittarius

The world is changing quickly, but not as fast as you. Already you see fascinating opportunities in drug development brought by lower oil prices. With Mars in your sign, and Saturn in liquidation, your virtual vulture unicorn fund looks like another financial winner.

Capricorn

Measurement is your style, a considered and thoughtful approach to life. Now that Balenciaga is making hand sanitizer, you see an opening to a new luxury item: boutique sanitizers with bottles designed by Jeff Koons and Marcel Duchamp, spiced by special scents concocted by Smithfield and other great food companies. Never before has spritzing your hands been such a high end, ecologically sensitive sensation.

Aquarius

Why should Italians have all the fun singing in public? You so enjoyed Karaoke Kitchen that you’ve now originated Karaoke Garden, where people weed and sing together their favorite Barry Manilow and Abba songs. Dancing Queen can now enliven the lawns of every red blooded American.

Pisces

I know you want to help, always wish to help, but your idea of tattoo masks is not your best suit, Pisces. Though potentially a marvelous fashion statement, tattoo masks won’t actually help prevent viral infection. Perhaps you might want to try writing tattoo horoscopes instead?