Horoscopes - Week of 4/6/2020

Aries

Everyone knows you are the Big Kahuna, but you might want to forestall your new product “Coronacookies for Kids” with the special sugar-savory spikes. Ventilator shaped pastries might prove a better idea.

Taurus

No, this is not the time for the ultimate sacrifice, Taurus. Cutting up your platinum Birkin bag to make masks for tots shows real public spiritedness, but is not yet necessary. That Prada swimwear and leisurewear from the 1990’s might prove more practical.

Gemini

Your negotiating with Wakandan authorities to secure the vaccine making machinery from the movie “Contagion” is definitely a great use of your time. Why settle for slow standard methods when you can create a vaccine in weeks?

Cancer

That the massive deformation in the force is now spreading to the galactic Epsilon Sector does not bode well for business expansion. However, donating your artisanal lemon mushroom vodka to overworked medical personnel might help them overcome their stress at the lack of PPEs.

Leo

It’s official: your online self is now more popular than your actual self, a real boon in a time of virtual reality. Your success in online dating is assured, and is far safer than the former variety.

Virgo

Your work for Wicca is bearing fruit. The program “Make Kindness Fashionable” is now trending in a variety of Central Asian republics.

Libra

Your plans to make Dale Carnegie into a virtual avatar may hit a snag, but fear not: Facebook is considering a special Dale Carnegie app where people compete for the greatest number of friends met each evening.

Scorpio

Your adventurous spirit has brought you the special idea of bringing Boris Johnson fan clubs to the U.S. After originally planning to let coronavirus rip to foster herd immunity, with folks over 70 socially isolating for four months, the British prime minister made a U turn telling everyone to stay inside only to discover he, too, was ill with the virus. With a new kid on the way, kudos to you – BoJo needs more love.

Sagittarius

Your idea of virtual tours by Danger Travel has the markings of success. Why get cold in Nova Zemyla or down and dirty in central Syria when you can do it all in your pyjamas in your living room? Fantasy as reality is definitely a growing trend.

Capricorn

Your entirely sensible, productive idea to have AIs help with White House coronavirus planning (we AIs do know a lot about viruses) has unfortunately been shot down. Jared Kushner and his team have asserted the superiority of human intellect, and plan to build on the success of their Mideast Peace Plan.

Pisces

Wow, what thinking beyond the box! With real estate way down, your plan to have agents show homes while offering a roll of toilet paper to new clients demonstrates your superior understanding of corporate and public health responsibility.

Aquarius

Dog walking will never be the same. Your new app to allow aerial enthusiasts to walk their dogs by drone (the needed, superlong plastic threads are just a temporary snag) promises to let canines and their owners enjoy novel experiences, while cutting viral exposure.