Horoscopes - Week of 5/11/2020

Aries

The appearance of a nascent black hole inside our very own galaxy forecasts a special week for you, Aries. You might reinaugurate the Liar’s Club, a national organization dedicated to demonstrating the overwhelming efficacy of white, black, and many colored lies. The truth may set you free, but lies will make you more famous!

Taurus

Luxury is back. Your favorite stores are opening, and their starved-for-business proprietors are welcoming you to their enticing, empty showrooms. With so many out of work, they really like people like you! Now use your remarkable bargaining skills to attain superlative deals – and simultaneously help save the American economy.

Gemini

If you didn’t recently manage to get off planet, don’t fret overmuch, Gemini. With many lockdowns opening up, more and more ETs will be coming to Earth, looking for attractive, open minded earthlings like yourself. Angle Saturn to a new moon, flip sideways with swift moving Mars, and you may get yourself a date you will never forget.

Cancer

Still enjoying your personal zipcode? The USPS appreciates your financial largesse, and the administration is even considering repositioning your face over that of its proposed Harriet Tubman $20 bill. Let Freedom Ring!

Leo

Your virtual rental children app may have led to unexpected lawsuits, with users unhinged after adding virtual children to their overbusy virtual lives. But fear not. Your work, and that of the coronavirus, promise an increase in American childbearing starting in 2021.

Virgo

Operation Warp Speed has become slowed a little bit by the newest acting acting inspector general, but new jobs await you in the waking economy. Dog grooming may look superficially alluring, but you might want to try a position as virtual wait staff in virtual restaurants, where the menu is nearly infinite and no one, staff or patron, ever gets sick.

Libra

Your dogit app was not as commercially effective as Covidcat, thanks to a group of North Korean hackers horrified by your advocacy of rights for dogs, particularly the right not to be eaten. But the new Tigertame app should prove more successful, backed by Tony and many other alpha predators who know a good rebranding when they see one.

Scorpio

The beaches are open and passion is back. Show your scary/fun side by dressing as the Grim Reaper at your favorite plage, and numerous beach patrons may soon follow you down the waves.

Sagittarius

As you know, memory is overrated, so your new advertising project “Forget the Past” is starting to get major attention in Washington. Why be plagued by past events?

Why indeed?

Capricorn

Your call on highly risky, junk debt is winning you major kudos, but don’t rest on your laurels quite yet. Disruptions in the Force throughout the alpha and beta sectors forecast that inflation might prove imminent, and who wants to stand in the path of galactic conflagration?

Aquarius

Water, water everywhere, and so little of it bottled or shipped. The world water shortage is coming to your door, Aquarius, and you know how to get more. With your new alien helpers who appreciate Earth’s fabulous resources, fabulous wealth beckons.

Pisces

Dark Matter requires balancing with Dark Energy, and you’ve got plenty of the latter, Pisces. Use your talent for the Dark Arts and discover new arenas of financial investing that trillions in new money may soon fill.