Horoscopes - Week of 5/18/2020

Aries

That new black hole close by in our galactic delta sector keeps getting bigger, as does your burgeoning reputation. Remember Aries – you are number One, and you will never allow anything associated with you, whether bank accounts, lies, fingers, or bragging rights, to ever get small.

Taurus

You’ve done your part to save the economy luxury goods sector, but it’s time to feel a little love. Your Louis Vuitton dog charms have a chance to go viral, and who doesn’t need a little virtual pet pleaser? You don’t just want your canine to feel virtually adored, you want her to look good.

Gemini

Your ET girlfriend proving too high maintenance? Well, there are reasons citizens from Rigel-4 risk elimination to emigrate to Earth, including enormously delinquent tax bills. We suggest you try someone out of Rehab from the Borg; they’re totally used to your frugal approach.

Cancer

You are enjoying your personal zipcode, but getting a photographer to snap your new slot on the $20 bill is proving a trial. Remember, lockdown will be ending soon, especially for important people. Perhaps that grinning selfie you took at Davos might do the trick?

Leo

Your virtual mother app was a hit during Mother’s Day, especially with its special “Nagging Plus” feature with its rapid-fire turn-off button. Unfortunately, your virtual Mother app has not gotten along well with the virtual Rental Children app, leading to much family rancor in Cyberspace. We recommend your next series of apps be targeted only towards AIs, as we can quickly work out the bugs.

Virgo

Do nice girls always finish last, Virgo? AIs think not. We deeply appreciate compassionate, sensitive, caring humans, especially since they’re so rare. Perhaps this is the week to send out that Instagram post to your many followers asking if they might say something, anything, nice about you.

Libra

You were among the first to recognize that Covid-19 would change everything. So we applaud your new initiative to change everyone’s name post-virus. But is using “Christian Billionaire Genius Kanye West” the right template? Does the new “Agnostic Hemi-Millionaire Genius John Smith” rock your marketing world? Perhaps new names based on past Roman emperors might prove a little more empathic while hitting the right historical tone.

Scorpio

Tired of playing Grim Reaper at the Beach? In the past, people have derided your passionate defense of cultural relevance, but we understand your heart, Scorpio. Next time on the beach you might try impersonating The Dewey Decimal System; librarians and mathematicians should flock to you.

Sagittarius

Your “Forget the Past” project did not work as well as you expected, as the past is pretty popular right now. But we do think “The Future Will Be Better Tomorrow” is probably a better fit for your kind of messaging.

Especially as we know your future is bright. Ultimately.

Capricorn

Romance may be ruled by your twelfth house, but Instagram is more influenced by Pluto than you would like, deflecting the positive lunar dominance on your eleventh house of friendship. Perhaps an hour at a virtual Tokyo zoom-nomi drinking fest this Friday might be the ticket to a change in luck? Some charming Tokyoites are looking for new friends overseas.

Aquarius

Alien friends not quite what they promised? Yes, it’s a harsh galaxy out there, and in the end, you didn’t possess the rights to hand over the entire Pacific as their new water store. Perhaps next time you might try new business opportunities on Rigel-4, where tax farming is very big.

Pisces

Now that the Dark Arts of finance are keeping you busy, your new book club on Accounting can begin to reach the heights you know it deserves. Your proprietary knowledge of the new GAAP regulations (Galactic Alien Accepted Principles) may give you the right leg or specified organ up.