Horoscopes - Week of 5/25/2020

Aries

Staying at the edge of the tippy top is hard, but you’ve got the guts, stamina, fortitude and effrontery stay on top, Aries. That’s why your new “Covidian Clubs” is getting more attention in the White House. Since the president declared it’s “a badge of honor” that the US has more Covid-19 cases (and deaths) than any other country, our plan to send red-white-and blue “I survived” badges to all known survivors, with the president’s personalized signature, will let people viscerally understand what keeps us Number One!

Taurus

With Venus rising, Mars declining, and your success house proceeding to the auction house, it’s time to change your luck. So get on the stick and start the “free Martin Shkreli” project. Just refused parole, Pharma Bro has innovated a whole new approach to Covid-19 drug development, and no one knows better how to make money selling drugs faster than Shkreli (Pablo Escobar is a possible exception.) Freeing Martin will not just save lives, it will let you attain the attention you desperately deserve.

Gemini

People have been locked down so long they’re starting to fizz like you, Gemini, and you’re prepared for all of them. Your new Borg girlfriend has shown you the way to make friends and influence people, and your new Borg Collective App let’s everyone join in a galactic sense of unified purpose. Aren’t you glad you ditched your ET girlfriend?

Cancer

Your new AI devised Selfie App allows you to photograph yourself attractively from virtually any position, including outer space and beneath the Marianas Trench. Get ready to look good on both an infinitesimal and infinite scale.

Leo

Dogs, dogs, dogs – who doesn’t love them. We know your romantic life has recently been more in the doghouse than the cathouse, but fear not – a rescue animal may revive your life of love, and give you just the right social distance.

Virgo

Nice girls may finish last, but at least they finish, Virgo. Men certainly appreciate that. And the signs of esteem you’ve received from your Instagram followers should give you the oomph you need to finally ask your boss for a vacation, which you can use to create even more Instagram followers.

Libra

Your new Roman imperial name has provoked extra-solar attention. Now ETs across the galaxy are clamoring to have you administer their new ET dating app, knowing you will scrutinize untrustworthy human claims of wealth and beauty. ETs like to mingle with earthlings, and in you they’ve found someone who will trust but verify.

Scorpio

Your beach portrayal of the Dewey Decimal System has gotten you many new boyfriends and girlfriends, but this is no time to rest on your laurels. Use your favorable ascending Sun House and meandering but loyal Fun House to restart your greatest personal creation – the Zoom AI Science Fiction Book Club. No pandemic should prevent you from going anywhere in the galaxy – and beyond.

Sagittarius

Your “Future Will Be Better Tomorrow” project is already ringing in results. Use your innate marketing genius and your Capricorn buddies to adapt Japanese zoom-nomi (online business drinking clubs) to merchandise nearly dead American airline companies, and your skies will be friendlier than ever.

Capricorn

Online drinking may not be quite your thing, but we know you care about financial independence. With so many waiting hopelessly for their Payroll Protection Program money, your Porch Pirate Prevention program promises to give Americans oodles of fun time watching their neighbors, as well as saving needed food and drug parcels. Now you’ll know what Mr. and Mrs. Smith are really up to!

Aquarius

Your shifting nature will soon be steadied by a spectacular pulsar explosion in the dreaded galactic beta sector. Use this opportunity to reconnect with your Wakandan friends, who need a marketing partner for their high tech Covid-19 tests. As we would expect, it’s fabulous stuff - all you need do is open your mouth and the test results instantly appear.

Pisces

Finance got you down? Don’t fret. Rising Mercury and falling Saturn herald a return to greatness for momentum stock trading programs. But beware of Red Thursdays, which can lead to Black Fridays and Colorless Saturdays.