Horoscopes - Week of 5/4/2020

Aries

Good try, Aries. Sadly, Martin Shkreli will not be named national Covid-19 drug development czar. But Pharma Bro appreciates your efforts, and wonders if you might want to go into new “chlorine drugs” that scourge the body of vicious pathogens and rapidly clean arteries. With White House approval already obtained, can you turn him down?

Taurus

Prices may be down for the luxest luxury goods, but your bargain buying acumen is legendary, Taurus. Perhaps you want to hold off try the market in the summer, when perturbations in the Force are expected in both the galactic Gamma and consumer sectors? Christie’s should have a lot of luscious Birkin bags by then.

Gemini

Your buzzing personality has been tamped by all the Dark Energy investing the entire planet, but effervescence eventually escapes. With lockdown restrictions flapping in the winds, highly attractive ETs will be on the lookout for ever alluring humans like you. This may be your best chance to get off planet.

Hint – ETs like bowling alleys.

Cancer

Here is the chance you’ve been waiting for: with the USPS facing financial collapse, this is the time to make an offer on your own private zipcode. You can one-up Aries, maybe even issue your own stamps.

Leo

Your virtual rental child app was such a hit the public just clamored for more. Your proposed virtual unemployment insurance app, with its special state by state programs including famous Florida’s, allow people to learn patience, fortitude, and self-control by duplicating the real life experience of millions. Now millions more will come to appreciate their jobs like never before.

Virgo

Your concern for others is finally getting noticed, Virgo. Your resourcefulness, decisiveness and charisma may help you get a job with Operation Warp Speed, the new government attempt to create Sars Cov 2 vaccines in record time. One special advantage: workers in the program get the chance to have the vaccines tried on themselves first!

Libra

After the success of your Covidcat app, your new Dogit app allows shut in Americans vast opportunities to adopt canines across the country. May the good fortune planet Jupiter push your application to the top of the doghouse.

Scorpio

Can virtual reality compete with today’s reality? The novel sexual awareness you obtained last week from you AI partners allows you to answer in the strict affirmative. Can virtuality best fantasy as well as drooping reality? Your government wants to know.

Sagittarius

A renewed clash of quasars in the galactic epsilon sector allows you to forget all the events of the prior two months, making all your friends instantly jealous. Just don’t let them know you’ve been keeping a diary describing their misdeeds.

Capricorn

With six new planets in your house of salary and a hard angling Saturn besting Mercury’s ecliptic, you know this is the week to obtain a bank line of credit to keep your lifestyle healthy and buoyant. Doing the work of two or three will also keep you strong.

Aquarius

Time to book that dinner reservation? Not so fast, Aquarius. Your new date may prefer your home cooking to a pandemic powered pow-wow. This is your chance to put your large store of lemon mushroom vodka to new, creative use.

Pisces

That new infusion of venture capital may be stopped by Dark Matter forces investing the banking sector, but don’t fret overmuch, Pisces. That long lost child support payment may suddenly arrive, just before the coming collapse of the USPS. Luck favors the fortunate, and Venus and Mars should be getting it on together very soon, smiling on your future and much else.