Horoscopes - Week of 6/1/2020

Aries

You’re still the flavor of the month, the taste of the decade, and the sensation of the second, Aries. This week it’s time to go Very, Very Big. Finally you can merchandise your start-up religion, the Church of the Zombie Apocalypse, and push those pikers from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster out of this solar system, far, far away.

Taurus

Leisure begets luxury. Deformations in US retail and the galactic beta sector fostered by the flight of the Church of the Spaghetti Monster promises new opportunities in innovative products. This is just the time to start your Louis Vuitton bunny bracelets, which look fabulous on lop ears.

Gemini

Buzzing is your thing, and Asian giant hornets really know how to buzz. As these monsters newly blitzkrieg North America, you can use your culinary skills and ancient Japanese kitchen wisdom to turn them into a stinging, lip popping treat, perfect for quarantined Covid-19 snackers. Some see a parasite – you spy an opportunity.

Cancer

You’re looking good, Cancer, even if your financial state is a tad precarious of late. We suggest you crush the curve by creating a new kind of financial instrument: Church Consols. Backed by the full credit of major denominations, these consol bonds pay a perpetual interest coupon that cannot be called short of the Rapture. And who can provide anyone better immortal credit than an eternal religious institution?

Leo

Power attracts, and you’ve got power to burn, Leo. Rising Mercury, Scorpio ruled by a blue moon and Pluto crashing into Scoobie-Doo gives you the power to speak truth to power. Your new Harold Stassen club commemorates a great Midwestern governor who ran for president more often than anyone. Looking at who’s running the country, don’t you deserve your shot?

Virgo

Now that your boss has finally agreed to allow you a vacation (business is dead anyway,) it’s time to show your creative side. With Zoom the rage, your idea of a toilet silencer has reached its total tipping point. The embarrassments you will prevent may save marriages, jobs, and child rearing as we know it.

Libra

Extraterrestrial girlfriends/boyfriends got you down? All those tentacles were fun at the start, but now it’s a touch too much? This week, you might try Earthling girlfriends. Given the present financial hardship of many professionals, we recommend starting your search on Linked In; it’ll be amazing how many might heed your call.

Scorpio

Your AI Science Fiction Club in addition to what Sars Cov 2 has done to your financial state, finally provokes you to consider going off planet. An ET girlfriend/boyfriend/beyond-sexual partner may give you the ride of your life, but be careful of the small print: slavery is still alive and well in the galaxy, not just on Earth. Be very careful if you see tattoos of moneybags or dollar signs.

Sagittarius

By now you’ve had it with virtual drinking clubs; AIs are notoriously bad at mixing scotch-and-soda. Not even airlines let you drink these days, and who doesn’t need a tall one after you get through airport Covid-19 security? Your idea for masks with special spirit bladders, perfect for an ounce of whiskey neat, may help Americans get back to the not-so friendly skies.

Capricorn

Your Porch Pirate Protection Program has made your reputation, Capricorn. Now it’s time for a change of pace. With the moon cascading into Taurus, Disney crashing into Netflix, and Venus taking a bye on your twelfth and last house of friendship, you need a mathematical boost. Tensor analysis may be just the thing to break all that surface tension.

Aquarius

Why let terrestrial types hog all the fun, filling beaches with socially undistanced behavior? Your vigilante underwater zombies will put paid to such silly summer fun, and give you an entrée to Hollywood. Might a session with Aquaman entice?

Pisces

Still dreaming about Black Friday? Prepare for Stormy Monday. When Mars occupies your fun house, you’ll be moving over to Aquarius to begin writing your new musical starring soul searching underwater zombies. All your competition in Space Zombie operettas and zarzuelas won’t stand a chance against your Tik-Tok tasty tunes.