Horoscopes - Week of 6/23/2020

Aries

The sun may be in your house, Aries, but don’t be eclipsed by eclipses. And the earth house of the White House is again open to your smaller dwelling.

Was 1984 really 36 years ago? George Orwell knew a thing or two, and his idea of a “Ministry of Truth” really has the administration thinking hard. Who doesn’t want to own the truth? And who better to run it than White House press secretary Kayleigh McAneny, who said on her ascension to that prestigious job, “I will never tell you a lie.”

Having a national Ministry of Truth could build failing trust in American truthiness.

Taurus

Your Bible Bags are such a hit that the Washington Bible Museum is considering a show of your work. And now it’s got plenty of room, as it clears out all the forgeries of Dead Sea scrolls and items looted from Iraq. So this is a good week for you, Taurus. The spirit lives, and with it your coming commercial success.

Gemini

Mars letting you down, while Venus leaves you lustless? Colliding pulsars in the galactic kappa sector making your business’ future look like a dual black hole? This is a week to regroup and reset, as your treasure house descends to new bowline whose bowstring power should soon fling you upward.

Cancer

Even if Wells Fargo did not immediately lend you $100 million for your VIE comprised of offshore LLCs sporting multiple CLOs, finance is still your future. Your new vermilion Micrashell should make you impervious to even the most persnickety investigators, and win you many friends on Venice Beach.

Leo

Prepare for the summer of love. The beaches are packed with maskless revelers, and everyone knows you love love, Leo. Soon you may meet the love of your life, an ET from Cleveland horrified by the mayor’s characterization of his city as “the butthole of the world.” With its great art, medical, and transport institutions, including the “Taxi that Ate Cleveland,” the city is not the butthole of any planet, least of all Earth.

Virgo

Some stars are beginning to align for you, Virgo, so keep the faith. The economy may be crashing, Covid-19 rising, and your bank account disappearing, but your everlasting effervescent spirit will see you through. In this next week a series of stellar new ideas will strike you; table them for a better month.

Libra

This may be your best week in a long time for visiting Cleveland, where fleeing ETs and other aliens are creating pockets of real estate investment opportunities. Use galactic social media threads to assay the best deals, and the sky’s the limit.

Scorpio

Family is your future, Scorpio, and your supportive relations will get your through these tough times. Look to Mary Trump’s new memoir which will not only give you new options to make a deal, but recognize the awesome power of kinship. It’s just as Bonnie and Clyde knew: the family that stays together, slays together.

Sagittarius

Olympus may have fallen but Mercury is again rising, and with it your fortunes, Sagittarius. Kim Jong Un is losing his interest in Virgos, which gives you an opening to Kim Yo Jong, his brainy sister. And talk about fireworks. By blowing up the Kaesong liaison office between North and South Korea, the younger, sexier Kim has advertised she’s ready to rock and roll!

Capricorn

Non-Family vacations are going national thanks to your innovative imaginative ingenuity. And with millions trying to escape the close, clutching constriction of their dear loved ones, your chance to get a date this week has surged spectacularly. Only select, however, singles who singularly support social distancing.

Aquarius

Don’t ignore your innermost yearnings as taskmaster Saturn sets you a new series of personal and financial goals. This is the week to catch your breath and marvel at what is to come: higher concepts and higher consciousness, brought to you by your total dominator and tutor, superbly sublime Saturn.

Pisces

Life used to begin at 30, then 40, and now with the Boomer class 50, 60, and 70 years, but you know better, Pisces. Life begins every second of every moment of every minute you’re alive, and you want to live to the fullest. This week may be your best opportunity to savor pineapple chicken pizza in a generation.