Horoscopes - Week of 6/29/2020

Aries

Feeling a strange presence pulling at the back of the your neck? Is it the beckoning of the past, or the reckoning of the future?

This is a big week for you, Aries, as the White House takes up your Ministry of Truth idea and looks to secure its place in global history.

So it’s time to accept your true calling as an apostle of truthiness in a untrusting world. By the end of this week, you’ll know if the truth will set you free for an exciting future, or send you on a trip to the past.

Taurus

Your signature Bible Bags are just one of the gifts you will provide to the American economy. You can now produce a whole set of biblical accessories, from Bible Bag themed jewelry and candy to trendy culottes and what-nots for the home. When you’re on a roll, the future is all downhill.

Gemini

Money will continue to trouble you this week, as Cancer and Capricorn arrive to disrupt your work schedule and your Covid-19 sensitive party for the Fourth of July. But all your actions will set the stage for personal growth, aided by the Federal Reserve and ferocious dark energy action from the distant, but interested, galactic sigma sector.

Cancer

Your entrepreneurial brilliance has hatched a new incomparable business for our period of plague: combined drive-in Covid-19 testing and botox injections. As clients wait for their swab tests, you prepare the negatives for dermatologist directed injections to the skin above their masks, providing foreheads that will banish all tension, anxiety, and fear. Commerce, health, and beauty, all coming together in the same parking lot!

Leo

Love may have left you but lust is not lost, and luxury lures. Your ET friends, especially those escaping Cleveland, know all about what epidemics and persecution can do to an alien’s life. Now with Virgin Galactic facing great financial challenges, your programs to slip humans past immigration barriers to welcoming planets has the chance to make you as rich and famous as Richard Branson – and to own better off-world islands than he possesses.

Virgo

Luck comes to those with extraordinary patience. Soon a private equity firm will approach with a truly novel idea – a leveraged buyout of Earth. Check their bona fides and do due diligence, and a fabulous future awaits; particularly if you can win the trust and backing of Stephen Schwarzman.

Libra

Your plan for exchange traded funds of fashion mask companies may be a tad early, as none have yet to list publicly. But your spirit is wise even if your pocketbook is empty and your mortgage underwater; the ghost of enterprise can lift all listing boats.

Scorpio

Family is your future, but community is your family’s future. Your new work on novel bed positions to aid the visuals of telehealth physicians promises to make beds powerful tools for health, not just sleep and sex.

Sagittarius

Your budding romance with Kim Yo Jong may need to take a temporary backseat to your new consulting for TikTok Teens. They wish to further their political influence after their work on the President’s Tulsa Talk, and they know your North Korean contacts can bring them to places never before seen, not even whispered.

Capricorn

Social Distanced Singles is a real hit in Japan, where sex has been losing adherents for some time. But we don’t think that’s your biggest market: pandemic hit Brazil will soon request your new take on safe sex.

Aquarius

Sharing that pineapple chicken pizza with your favorite Pisces was not the game changer you expected, but this week should prove an improvement. With Saturn waning, Pluto social distancing and Mars hitting the reopened solar bars, you may want to talk with folks in Hong Kong about new real estate opportunities.

Pisces

Even if life doesn’t begin at 40 or 50 it still renews, and this is your week for restless regeneration. Binge watching your favorite television shows when you were thirteen should add mystery and magic to your sense of self.