Horoscopes - Week of 6/8/2020

Aries

So your incorporation of the Church of the Zombie Apocalypse got IRS attention? Never fear – the agency admits that thousands of millionaires don’t even bother filing taxes.

Plus, Aries, your capacity to dominate has never been greater. So it’s a great time to help others relax. Your new Covid Cocktail is achieving many admirers. A quarter cup of Clorox; a dash of Lysol; a jigger of gin; a tablespoon of crushed teargas pellets, all topped by a piquant dash of pepper spray or hydroxycholorquine (where available) et voila! For special strength, mix under very intense UV light. Keep drinking this creative concoction and you may not need worry about the future at all.

Taurus

The Louis Vuitton bunny bracelets are just starting to take off, but fashionista face masks sporting your very own Platinum Birkin Bag are crashing servers on Instagram. As increasing UV light threatens facial purity and beauty, will Birkin Bag logoed hats prove your next success?

Gemini

Uranus is your friend, Saturn your helpmate and Mercury your potential paramour, so now’s the time to actively market your Giant Hornet Snack Pops across the Midwest. You can personally provide a stinging, healthy rebuke to the bland, sugar and fat filled snacks so beloved of giant corporations – and help control a rampaging, immigrant pest.

Cancer

Don’t let all those new eclipses eclipse your laser like focus on what’s coming. Destiny is all, and your perpetual bond Church Consols are attracting major institutional attention. With American churches attacked by teargas, firm forthcoming financial flows may shore up an uncertain spiritual and economic future.

Leo

Battling pulsars in the normally quiescent galactic kappa sector may scotch your presidential ambitions this week, Leo. But it’s no time to despair. Your idea of taking over a formerly flooding atoll in the South China Sea as an independent entity mining Bitcoins will inevitably attract great attention. Remember - money begets power, and you can mint it.

Virgo

A new moon may upset your Sun ruler, Virgo, but you’ve still got lots of asteroidal clout. Future job prospects might prove stellar. With loads of jobs disappearing, your new Find Work App, based on sound astrological principles, may help many get off the dole and back in their Mercurial treasure house.

Leo

Your new Earthling girlfriend may be alluring, but caution, Leo. Covid-19 has caused many ETs to flee their overburdened planets, and their cosmetic talents have pushed into viral overdrive. Some quiet, subtle exams of her vertebrae and abdominal midsection may secure you a swift surprise.

Scorpio

What’s in a name? Your future financial and political success, Scorpio. X Ae A-Xii may be taken by Musk scions, but what about Xi Xi? Setting up Roman numeral monikers for you and your family will not only allow you to get new credit cards, but give China’s Premier Eleven Jinping a real run for WeChat street cred.

Sagittarius

Drinking too much from your secret stash face mask, Sagittarius? You’re not alone. Many Americans have responded to Covid-19 and urban unrest by imbibing more and more, even without those promised PPP and unemployment checks. Never has your lemon mushroom vodka tasted more reflectively refreshing.

Capricorn

Yiddish character face masks may be making it in New York, but you know the national character better than those fancy pants Easterners. Your Chinese character masks might get you quite a following, but can we suggest you not use the term “America Strong?” Some Americans may not be able to read Chinese, and you may fall afoul of export restrictions from your manufacturers in the PRC. We think “Enjoy rice” is a safer bet.

Aquarius

Don’t let a few unruly underwater vigilante zombies make you stick your head in the sand, Aquarius. Aquaman is still interested in meeting you, especially your plan to market Micrashell, that “fun to wear” antiviral suit whose onboard air filtration systems may aid sea-based, air breathing mammals desperate to avoid Covid-19. Who wouldn’t want to vape underwater?

Pisces

Stormy Monday has new led to Terrifying Tuesday and worse, Wonky Wednesday, where nobody telecommuting from home even bothers to get out of their pajamas. But you’ve got an answer: your new Space Zombies fashion line allows your clients to look good at leisure all over the Galaxy. It’s the next best thing to teleportation, and films fabulous on Zoom.