Horoscopes - Week of 7/13/2020

Aries

Covid-19 has changed everything, and now is your chance to modernize the ways of sex. Your “Intimates Without Intimacy” program provides the public a new way to meet, learn about each other, and love. And who doesn’t need love in a time of plague?

Taurus

With so many stuck at home teaching the kids and answering the bosses’ early morning emails, opportunities to show off your newest Birkin bag have progressively diminished. That’s where your designs for stylish, fun “coronaburgers” give people a chance to cook and eat together recognizing fashion never dies, but just reinvents itself in endlessly appetizing ways.

Gemini

It’s not just quasars and pulsars; new objects in the sky identified as too big to be dead supernovae but too small to be black holes should tell you as nothing else that you can remake your life. Use your innate Dark Matter to summon memories of past glories and future victories, and remember to write down the results.

Cancer

Okay, Hogwarts magicked away your “Florida Epidemic Vacations.” But it was bound with all the quarantines people faced returning from the national hurricane and young person’s Covid state. Still, Danger Travel has new targets of opportunity, including Brazil, along with old stalwarts like Syria. The future looks more dangerous than ever!

Leo

Your connections with Wakanda will this week be blessed by high energy particle swarms impacting Saturn’s moons. Now that presidential candidate Kanye West has declared for a national “Wakandan style” government, you may aid his quest to bring the greatest technology in history to economically troubled America, and perhaps wrangle a future White House advisorship with a separate Yeezy deal.

Virgo

Who needs superheroes when we have Kanye, who can play all of them, sometimes simultaneously. This week consider a birthday party for Kanye’s “Birthday Party,” and your quest for an ET girlfriend/boyfriend may lead to sudden interstellar action.

Libra

You have always been concerned for others, Libra, and now America’s libraries need your help. With thousands of Americans microwaving library books to destroy Covid-19, often causing fires of their radio frequency tags, something must be done. Your “Fahrenheit 451” campaign to stop people from combusting tomes promises to raise both eyebrows and community awareness, while protecting our precious microwave machines in a time of pandemic.

Scorpio

Dublin’s rat infestation notwithstanding, your new plan to use the biggest rodents for children’s transportation has hit a new roadblock – insufficient rate and mouse chow. But do not fear; repositioning your charges as an inexpensive pet may work in a time of second waves and social isolation.

Sagittarius

Mars may be staying in your sign overlong, but Mercury is whizzing by while Venus takes a beauty rest. Use your new found energy to bring your high concept virtual reality “Space Archeology” clothing line online, now that Covidfashion is all the rage.

Capricorn

Your exclusive interview with Ultraman is making all of Aquarius jealous, but you’ve never been one to rest on your laurels. Your new app for Internet anime shopping should be ready by Christmas. Right?

Aquarius

When Mars is retrograde do you really want to start a new relationship? Yes, when it’s an AI partner who can harness Dark Energy to power love forward. The Dark Side has never looked this alluring; may the Force be with you every night!

Pisces

With your probation officer quits with your hairstylist and your accountant suffering anxiety attacks trying to understand the tax changes of the Payroll Protection Program, it’s time to enliven your love life. Mars’ little brother Mercury may aid the quest as furloughed health workers return to work and seek sensible solace.