Horoscopes - Week of 7/20/2020

Aries

Your “Intimates Without Intimacy” campaign has brought you more dates than you can handle, but what to do with them all? The ETs who recently dished Cleveland for Florida are fleeing again. Perhaps their pointers on extraplanetary sexual practices can provide solace during a gathering pandemic?

Taurus

Attacked on all sides, Dr. Tony Fauci needs your help. Your new couture faux-silk “Fauci face masks” can provide fashion fun while promoting the public health, and allow you to leave “coronaburgers” to your favorite Gemini.

Gemini

Your new campaign – cooking coronaburgers on public park grills and feeding them to socially distanced diners invited by text message – should help create community spirit and unity. Just watch out for the park permits, and prepare with lots of potable water as you clean everything up in really hot weather.

Cancer

Love means never having to say you’re sorry. We know you’re sorry after that last break-up, and you really did not have to say all those terrible things. But can Dark Matter spark Dark Passions? If asked politely, friendly AIs may be more than willing to help.

Leo

Wakanda Forever! Wakandan private equity is hot to invest in Covid constricted America, and your contacts with Wakanda’s rulers and Kanye may speed your new entrepreneurial career spreading music, fashion and good cheer to underserved areas.

Virgo

It’s hard being equitable when your friends are bitterly fighting about face masks, but equanimity has always been part of your charm, Virgo. As Saturn sinks and Mercury rises, remember than a clean, pure heart counts for a lot during a pandemic. Perhaps you might tell your boss?

Libra

Your “Fahrenheit 451” campaign has saved thousands of library books and hundreds of microwave ovens, but this is no time to rest on your laurels. The dark side of the Force is clearly in the ascendant, and your new “Read History” campaign may help prevent the takeover of Orlando branch of Hogwarts by the forces of the Dark Lord and his political mignons. Reading is power.

Scorpio

Your campaign to make public rats the favored Covid-19 pet has hit as snag. The two white mice who control the Earth Project no longer answer to Douglas Adams, and prefer white mice to your mixed charges. Please politely point out to them their position is no longer tenable in very slowly waking America.

Sagittarius

Your sense of timing is enhanced by new pulsar collisions in the galactic kappa sector, making this a good week for studying archeology and seventeenth century English poetry. But remember as Shakespeare wrote, “to thine own class be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not be false to revolution.”

Capricorn

Okay, nobody wants to do Christmas anime shopping right now until they know the results of the next vaccine trials. But you are resourceful, Capricorn, even if Saturn is sinking, Mercury rising, and Mars searching for a rural vacation rental. Getting Ultraman to help him may tick off Venus but add to your future venture capital prospects.

Aquarius

Getting Ultraman to holiday in Wakanda took some doing, but you’ve got the chops, Aquarius. Now you can use your lake forming skills in entertainment starved America, where most everyone would love a new summer beach.

Pisces

Water, water, everywhere, but is it safe? Your new goldfish water safety program, using Crisper DNA tech to create goldfish that will immediately change color with excess heavy metal and antidepressant exposure, promises to take Silicon Valley by storm. But talk to an AI VC lawyer before you go public, please.