Horoscopes - Week of 7/6/2020

Aries

Who wants to be number 2 when you can make Number 1A? And you may even reach the numberless ranks if the White House approves your new “No Death Policy.” By refusing to acknowledge or count all future national deaths, the administration can demonstrate how it is saving lives and extending lifespans, continuing what Vice President Pence calls our “truly remarkable progress.”

A short phone call to Brad Parscale might do the trick, allowing you to begin your relentless rise to risible relevance.

Taurus

Bible Bags may soon be over, but your “Future of Archeology” items featuring dayglo colored, decayed Birkin bags created from stunningly inexpensive recycled plastic could prove the next Covidfashion trendsetter. Filling the Zeitgeist of our times while focusing on fantastic aesthetics, the future of art may soon rest on your elbow.

Gemini

Mercury may be your tenth house and Pluto your wealthhouse, but don’t let trying times reach the grindhouse. Your socially distanced, firework absent Fourth of July party is already gaining you new clients for your environmentally sensitive dating service stressing spiritual romance.

Cancer

Though your combined Covid-19 testing and botox drive in centers may have been nixed by overly cautious private equity funds, you will soon pick your vibrant self way up. Your plan to sponsor Danger Travel’s “Florida Epidemic Vacations” already is gaining attention at Hogwarts’ Orlando branch. Who doesn’t need a little magic these days, especially among muggles upset by J.K. Rowling’s trans-mogrified declarations?

Leo

Sorry, Leo. A new decline of the Power of the Force throughout America is crying havoc with your business plans and that of the whole Marvel Universe. And now even Wakanda is refusing Americans entry due to Covid-19, which even their advanced technology cannot yet entirely defeat. Perhaps you need to talk to a Virgo this week (see below.)

Virgo

What’s summer without superheroes? Not summer but kind of a wet, overcast, swampy woolen spring. So your idea to reshoot your favorite Star Wars action scenes with masked, local actors, using only carefully cleaned cellphones, promises to reboot the summer blockbuster on the most glocal level.

Libra

The time has come for bespoke ET face masks using the finest trans-space materials, and all the ETs fleeing Cleveland are ready to help. Who wouldn’t pay big bucks for a mask that keeps out both Sars-Cov-2 and Rigel IV’s horrible vanishing virus? Your presence can mean the loss of absence for millions.

Scorpio

Segway may have died, but other forms of transport beckon. Now that Dublin’s mayor has noted a new epidemic of rats so big “you would only be short of putting a saddle on them,” you know exactly the right thing to do. Your new rodent saddles, featuring self-cleaning space age materials, should be a hit with the smallest humans, whose cooped up parents are always on the look out for renewable, lively forms of transportation.

Sagittarius

Locked up too long? Pluto’s mad dash into Mercury’s Eighth House of Ill Repute making you reconsider weekend plans? Fear not. Your new Hollywood-Bollywood-Dollywood Virtual Reality project may reconnect the globe for a more healing form of universal entertainment.

Capricorn

Your haircutter and dog trainer have finally broken up, their promising romance scuttled by cleaning fluid allergies and social distancing. Please show them respect for their loss, and your future tips will become yet more appreciated.

Aquarius

Aquaman has left Mothra, leaving an oceanic sense of loss throughout the biosphere. Not a good week for eating fish. Better for draining one’s sadness with Fukushima’s famous pale ale.

Pisces

Binge watching teenage heartthrobs got you ready to telehealth your transitional therapist? Remember, the ends is rarely the means, nor must the means always average out, meaning this week may be just the time for a cut-rate Florida vacation with a sexy, capacious Cancer.