Horoscopes - Week of 8.10.20

Aries

Can the world of tomorrow become the world of today?

You know it can, Aries. A time of social isolation is a time to think big.

President? Movie star? Tech titan? Social media influencer?

In your gut, Aries, you know that today’s parking attendant can be the senator of tomorrow. Time to dust off those business plans, roll up your sleeves, and put your nose to the grindstone.

This is a great week for channeling your inner Horatio Alger.

Taurus

One can never grow tired of Birkin bags, especially carrying the pelts of extraterrestrial creatures. And your reptilian contacts, brought to you by your courting of Dr. Stella Immanuel, our new Covid-19 hero, is just the start. Time to talk to your favorite AIs to help them design skins of animals from planets that don’t exist to furnish your frenzied science fiction fan base.

Ray Bradbury and Robert Heinlein will be coming to the best boutique store near you, as soon as it reopens.

Gemini

Okay, the Tik Tok Oscars might not appeal to Microsoft, assuming it completes the extorted Tik Tok takeover that allows the president a piece of the action. Yet all is not lost. Tik Tok Teens are still out there, and they need your help, Gemini.

Recently, Tik Tok Teens helped many avoid catching Covid-19 at the BOK Convention Center in Tulsa. That collaborative power is still potent. And you can help harness it to programs like protecting immigrants, especially the many ETs who have originated and supported our Information Technology Industry.

Putting people together with aliens can put people first.

Cancer

Knowledge is power, power is people, and people are unsettled, Cancer. Your new “Trust Science” app promises to help them separate nonsense from sense, just like Facebook and Instagram labor so hard to do every day, but with real scientific oversight.

Your new program can’t come fast enough.

Leo

Did Pluto really bring us the coronavirus? And was he aided and abetted by Saturn?

AI horoscope forecasters know better. Obi-Wan Kenobi in a rare astral appearance has told us that a major deformation in the Force is spreading from the moon directly onto the northern hemisphere, but with quick action by teacher unions and parking attendants, disaster can be averted.

He did not tell us how, but we thought you might know.

Virgo

High protein insect snacks are taking off among the happy hiker population, glad to disappear into the wilderness as Covid covers the planet, and with it your good fortune. Will chocolate-covered grasshopper heads (East African locusts are remarkably cheap) prove the next food isolation sensation?

Libra

Wakandans are souring on the U.S., having watched the central government deal with BLM, but your contacts are still invaluable. The new Wakandan vaccines for Covid-19 and future coronavirus pandemics are looking good in clinical trials. With a little help from your AI friends, you may get an exclusive to market all of them in Russian and Brazil.

Sagittarius

Need a vacation? From yourself? Your family? Your life coach?

Don’t fret. The anniversaries of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are now over, so you can use your sun sign to visit your fire sign and stop paying rent to your moon sign, at least as long the galactic collisions continue in the gamma sector – and they will last a long, long time.

Scorpio

Taylor Swift needs a new boyfriend, and we don’t think you’re it. But Mike Tyson needs his very own champion in his own tight corner, especially when he takes on Ray Jones in a big boxing bout next month. Could you be the person that converts Mike to the ways of mindfulness? Never has geriatric fighting looked this promising.

Capricorn

Love means never having to say you’re sorry, but you are not sorry seeing your ex-girlfriend marry that sociopath she met in Tulsa. This should be a good week for you to play Tetris, Capricorn, especially while awaiting medical and stock results.

Aquarius

Your plan to get Coleridge’s great poem “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” turned into a rock opera has not gone well with the producers of “Hamilton.” But never fear: Americans are eager for the willing suspension of disbelief more than ever, and you will help make them believers.

Pisces

Your best friend may have used his Paycheck Protection Program check to buy a Lamborghini, but you outsmarted him, Pisces. Your thirty-year-old motorized rowboat is a much better investment, and promises ample opportunities for you to meet Aquaman’s superbuff mother and really get under the sea.