Horoscopes - week of 8.17.20

Aries

Your connections to the White House already provide you the best chance to get Sputnik V, Russia’s fabulous new Covid-19 vaccine, presidential approval. Who needs hydroxychloroquine or high priced bleach when you can prevent the virus from getting into any nose? Your new October Revolution could reset American politics, and increase the formidable closeness between America and Russia’s leaders.

Taurus

Your chance to meet the newest hologram of Ray Bradbury did not work as planned. The AI avatar of the great science fiction writer could not share your passion for Birkin bags, a deeply regrettable deficiency. But fret not. We understand a new version of Jules Verne may possess a greater appreciation of fashion mastery.

Gemini

Voting fraud is alleged almost everywhere in the galaxy, and ETs are willing to help stamp it out. Reptilians eager to avoid Florida’s Covid-19 epidemic – surprisingly infectious among those species originating on Rigel IV – are packing their bags, desperate to decamp from Palm Beach to Washington.

They need your help, Gemini. Interspecies aids organization will rally to your cause, eager to combat intergalactic and intragalactic prejudice.

Cancer

Your “Trust Science” app has attracted the notice of Taylor Swift and Leonardo DiCaprio. Could matchmaking be your new Covid-19 business plan? Your new Taylor based TikTok video defining for all time overwhelming planetary loneliness may become this seasons’ cure for romantic frustration.

Leo

Future Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene is a new force in American politics, and she needs your help, Leo. Having conclusively proved that the coronavirus did not come from Pluto, you will now productively challenge all calumnies that bloodsucking Satanic pedophiles completely control both the DAR and the Republican Party. Best of all, the American Pizza Foundation will aid you each sanguinary step of the way.

Virgo

Chocolate covered grasshopper heads have flopped in the Hamptons, but that’s not your real market, Virgo. Midwesterners tired of red meat and squishy potatoes are ready for a healthy, crunchy protein-filled snack, and your “aid American agriculture” ad campaign, turning pest into plenty, should do the trick.

Libra

Is Saturn, the ruler of your fifth house of ill-repute, teaming again with that old rascal Jupiter, master of your tenth house of treasure? Will you now be forced to move?

Recognize that Covid-19 has completely upended the real estate market, and that apartment hunting has not been this easy in years. Trust the first sign of your last home and future housing should be assured.

Sagittarius

Your life coach is deeply vexed that your last astrologer caused you to move from her to your dog groomer. Yet you are that rare human who recognizes the close relationships between dogs and ETs, and both will help you as you cast your new fortune on the newly surging rocks of fate.

Scorpio

Trying to redecorate for you new Wakandan boyfriend? We have the sorry task of informing you he is an imposter, a disgraced former marketing executive for the Water Department of Perth Amboy, New Jersey. Give him your favorite copy of “The Rime of Ancient Mariner,” and bid him begone.

Capricorn

Your new plan to have E. Jean Carroll become the sexual relations commentator for Fox News will perhaps not work this election cycle. But the ghost of Roger Ailes should be losing credit come November, when your old Addams Family friends may prevail.

Will the Dark Force be vanquished? Only General Kenobi knows for sure, and he’s just not around these days.

Aquarius

People are getting tired of the same old UFO clips, and you know exactly what to do, Aquarius. Proof that Air Force and Navy pilots were influenced by Adderall while filming those tired saucer scenes will help many Americans rest easy that their televisions and skies are safe. Several ETs have already expressed interest in helping you.

Pisces

Let ‘em rip. We know you are entirely behind the President’s long-overdue plan to increase the power of national showerheads. Though a few unlucky children and elderly may drown, plumbers will applaud your efforts, knowing their work will expand for decades. The president needs and demands “perfect hair”; now is the time to enshrine that basic right for every American.