Horoscopes - week of 8.24.20

Aries

Extraterrestrials across America turned furious recognizing they were among the very few groups not included in the Democratic National Convention. The Democrats loss could be the Republican’s gain; using your contacts, Aries, and those from Dr. Stella Immanuel of America’s Frontline Doctors, the RNC could mount an ET counter-offensive at this week’s Republican National Convention. Who could resist a campaign demonstrating the president’s supporters “span the galaxy.” ETs holed up in Miami due to Covid-19 are particularly willing to help.

Taurus

Tracking Penguin guano from outer space is more than an environmental tool, and you’ve noticed the opportunity. Special AI tech allowing you to track Birkin bags by satellite will jumpstart your new demographics business, letting retailers and socialites know exactly where the Birkinites lurk. And just consider the sumptuous social possibilities for your very deserving self.

Gemini

You’ve always been about bringing people together, Gemini, but how about dogs and ETs? You’re not the first to notice the many affinities between our extraplanetary neighbors and man’s best friend, but the commercial possibilities may have eluded you. Not anymore. With Covid-19 upending the economic environment, it’s time to sniff out a whole new market.

Cancer

When everyone is cutting back, it’s time to go global, Aries. Watching the blowback of the Chinese “clean plate” campaign, with President Xi Jinping arguing that to save precious food ten diners should only order nine dishes, you recognize a particularly American opportunity. Your new Covid take-out restaurant chain will highlight such “N-1” dining, offering single diners perfectly clean cookery and cutlery unsullied by steaming, calorie-filled food. Patrons will experience an entirely different culinary experience, as waitstaff extol the virtues of the meal described but not provided. Your good business sense will then help us fight our terrible obesity scourge, exacerbated by the “quarantine fifteen.”

Leo

Fresh off your success with the American Pizza Foundation, it’s time to double down on risk-taking activities. Your new job as consultant for Covid-19 based public school openings should offer much in the way of both risk and adventure.

Virgo

Is Reels real? Will Tik Tok get its clock cleaned by Facebook’s new clone, or will the clock be set forward when Larry Ellison “steals” the company from Microsoft? Only Chinese regulators know for sure, and they’re not telling.

Libra

Is Pluto willing to come with you to visit Saturn and ask for a rental payment delay on your fifth house of treasure and good fortune? Or is it better to ask Mercury, angry with its ill-treatment by Ford, and seeking revenge through Tesla?

Perhaps it’s best to consider redecorating this week, with all the new sales at Goodwill.

Scorpio

Your new plan to pair ET and Earth stand up comedians for new podcasts has run into unexpected censure from colleagues in Wakanda, who have long chafed under national comedy quarantines. We suggest giving Wakandans their own show, where their affable, quick-witted personalities will win fans across the Solar and Avenger systems.

Sagittarius

Romance has taken a heavy beating under Covid-19, but it’s time for your comeback. If you can consciously uncouple from your previous partner, and then unconsciously couple with some new ET friends, we promise your inner peanut butter falcon will see you happily through your next unknowing romantic encounter.

Capricorn

Your work to pardon Susan B. Anthony is finally paying off, Capricorn. A century after some American women sort of got the vote, America’s great suffragette leader, is being pardoned by the president for voting – in 1872’s presidential election.

Will you please tell him that we also want to vote in this year’s election? And wouldn’t it be nice to count all the votes, including those stuffed in unused post boxes?

Aquarius

Your proposal to redo “Jurassic Park” underwater is hitting new friction, as undersea dinosaurs are holding out for Actor’s Equity minimum wage paid in newly expensive fish, and the world’s increasing oceanic plastic epidemic promises to compromise 3-D photography. We suggest now is the time to ask Aquaman for help, though we wouldn’t mention your tryst with his mother just beneath Pisces’ nose.

Pisces

Plumbers love your new showerhead designs, but are worried about their new liability contracts as “perfect hair” aficionados start flooding neighboring condos. But fear not. A new advertising campaign starring a liberated Lindsay Lohan promises that perfect hair may become a birthright for virtually all Americans.

It’s now time to come clean.