Horoscopes - Week of 8.3.20

Aries

Reptilian extraterrestrials are royally ticked off that they have been outed by Dr. Stella Immanuel of Houston and her group, “America’s Frontline Doctors.” Yes, reptilian ETs are everywhere, as we learned in the TV program “V.” But you will help them get revenge by thwarting the president, who notably called Dr. Immanuel “spectacular. “ Together you will foil his presidential plan to replace Dr. Fauci with her on the national coronavirus task force.

As any ET knows, knowledge is power.

Taurus

Reptilian ETs are all the rage. With your matchless contacts, you will now start marketing reptilian ET Birkin bags with their out of this world feel and texture. Every billionaire will want several, if only to learn of off-planet investment opportunities.

Gemini

Your idea for a “Tik Tok Oscars” may run afoul of the State Department, but persevere. Their attention span is limited like so many others, and Secretary of State Pompeo is more interested in explaining why he helped get rid of the inspector general investigating him than stopping a popular virtual party highlighting American ingenuity.

Leo

Was slavery really so bad? Senator Tom Cotton noted how this “necessary evil” built the America he believes in. Your new plan for legal “indentured servitude” as a way for DACA dreamers to obtain citizenship should get needed attention from Republican congressmen no longer distracted by a Charlotte-Jacksonville political convention. Who wouldn’t want to slave 5-10 years for Apple or Starbucks when the prize might prove priceless American citizenship?

Virgo

Your earth sign and star sign are shining on you, Virgo. Marie Kondo and other famous extraterrestrials are pointing earthlings towards a more sustainable planet, and when Mercury leaves polluted space and rockets into its air sign, you will start your “I-bytes,” insect snacks that harness high technology and the greatness of evolution to make protein powered foods even Earthmoms can love.

Libra

As Americans excoriate each other in the school opening wars, you will provide a solution. Aided by experienced Trump University veterans, your Hogwarts U will bring magic to elementary and secondary schools, at an affordable cybercurrency price. Finally, bitcoin will be recognized as not the redoubt of drug dealers and sex traffickers, but a great, indeed magical public boon.

Scorpio

American health care needs a revolution, and you will help bring it, Scorpio. Your marketing background and indescribable savvy will help America’s Frontline Doctors and their backers, the Tea Party Patriots, bring novel, effective and affordable medicines to Americans desperately in need of hope and support. Who needs intrusive tracing and tracking when fantastic therapies like bleach, hydroxychloroquine and alien DNA can whip Covid-19 in no time.

Sagittarius

Potted plant pets have found a new home at the “Intimate Without Intimacy” companies, but you’re already ready for new projects. Virtual staycations starring characters from great movies like “Valerian” and “Total Recall” should allow Americans to escape the summer heat with cooling, extraplanetary getaways – all within the comfort of their bedrooms. And who doesn’t want to meet a sci-fi Sharon Stone?

Capricorn

Preparation, preparation. And you’re prepared, Capricorn, as the summer ice leaves the Arctic. Your new “Iceberg Pure” brand should offer sweltering New Yorkers and Floridians a delightful, hydrating treat in another storm-tossed summer.

Aquarius

Water, water everywhere, but where’s a cool drink when you need it? Sometimes unobtainable, especially with long lines for Covid-19 testing, but you and Kanye have a solution. Your new product, Cool It Cool Buds, promises ravishing songs for those who cannot ignore the earth plunging beneath their feet.

Pisces

Is it only Mercury that gets to constantly move retrograde? Are the pleasures of the past only open to minuscule planets and planetoids? It’s time for your watery presence to escape fire-sign Sagittarius. Chill this week by binge-watching great screwball comedies of the 1930s. What worked to cheer Americans in previous depressions should work now; start with “His Girl Friday” to recognize how rapid wit can brighten any economic downturn.