Horoscopes - Week of 2/30/2020

Aries

You’ve done it again, Aries. Your new plan for “pre-need” presidential and gubernatorial pardons has set everyone in the reviving funeral business into postprandial panic. Just as you never know when you’ll need a funeral, you never know when a lawless government official might go after you, and “pre-need” pardons is already getting a hearing on K Street, with its many, personally interested lobbyists. And, it’s an election year.

Taurus

Your knowledge of pop culture will soon be put to the test when you reach for that promised promotion than undefinably belongs to you. Your coming interviews will test your knowledge of the greatest hits of American culture, and you will hit right back, scissoring your way through the unruly briar patch of recent country music and industrial rock and dance.

Gemini

Uranus may rule Aquarius, but Mercury is faster and nimbler going up to the Net. This week money will not be your problem, but try avoiding all new debt. Remember that washed checks are not clean, and may be contaminated by viruses both physical and virtual.

Cancer

Chance is chance but luck is lucky and so are you this week, Cancer. This is a great time to get your franchise for lemon mushroom vodka, with its dual purpose marketing as entertainment engine and destroyer of unfavorable pathogens.

Leo

Don’t let Aries outdo you in your lifelong race to become Numero Uno. You may not have gotten the call for the private auction on unique family zipcodes, but a new opportunity awaits: naming rights to peaks in the Denali and Rocky Mountain Ranges. New Federal regulations for replacing “outmoded” names gives you a new shot at lofty immortality.

Virgo

Your recent experience with the ET Real Estate Team may give you a chance at the galactic ride of a lifetime. An ill wind is flowing out of solar flares in the notoriously unstable Beta sector, and many ETs are looking for human partners when the going gets really radioactive. Be wary of pseudo-lizards and marsupials, but linking with an ET may give you the ultimate chance to escape both taxes and ecological disaster on a planet near you.

Libra

Your new blog “When Good Things Happen to Bad People” has overwhelmed you with new business, political, and social opportunities. Be watchful of other Virgos, jolted by surprise moves of Saturn across the ecliptic, but this weekend may provide you a digital key to the tenth house of TrueLove. Be bold, and many bad people may join your new romantic road.

Scorpio

Your love life has recently been in the doldrums, but the new week should be better. Fear of your declining sexual attractiveness and youthfulness will become arrested on visiting Venice, Florida, where you will quickly feel and look younger than virtually everyone you meet. If Venice’s charms prove insufficient, consider the Arts Town of Sarasota, whose charming citizens will also make you feel young again.

Sagittarius

The time for your personal R/Evolution has come, Sagittarius. Join Nick Kavoukles’ new group of “Domicidal Maniacs,” folks who live to buy and revamp homes, and your financial fortunes will outstrip all the opportunities in Baghdadi and Beiruti real estate, while improving your video game prowess.

Capricorn

Sense and sensitivity combine when you and your new company launch new “Happy” software, which just loves to get updated. Web designers will beat a path to your virtual door while you and your VC backers carefully plan your exit through the fire escape.

Aquarius

Twinkle, twinkle little star. And that is what you will be, Aquarius, when the world recognizes your genius in your new DIY coffin company. Tough times may be coming again, and what better hobby can one have than preparing cost-effectively for the hereafter? Hint: get ready for the Ikea buyout.

Pisces

With Mars ascending and Mercury sending a new, trendy signal to the old moon of Europa, few will notice the massive Pulsar Pulse just beyond the Galactic Epsilon sector. But you will, offering you fabulous opportunities in twosomes and threesomes that have nothing to do with galactic golf.