Week of 8.31.20 (Terrestrial only)

Aries

Your influence burgeons to confluence, Aries. The Science Fiction Writers of America were proud to hold a joint Charlotte convention with US presidential forces, and look forward to greater collaboration. As their new AI president, 007911, declared, “we’ve been making alternate realities for generations. We’re proud to help our national leaders create newer and better ones.”

Taurus

A major deformation in the Force, starting in Wisconsin and spreading through Saskatchewan to Southwestern Louisiana, heralds a new culinary life for you, Taurus. Beware of cheeseburgers for the next week, especially with meat packed in Iowa and garnished with internationally-sourced “dreamer” tomatoes.

Gemini

Dogs are always good business, and you’re onto something special, Gemini. Your new export business plan to transport winsome terrestrial dogs to extrasolar planets possesses above-average potential for an eventual IPO. But we do suggest AI help with the custom forms; terrestrial agents simply cannot read 3-D Holo export declarations, especially when not in English.

Cancer – Covid has most of us down, even ETs, but not out, Cancer. And your new plan to reanimate great Americans as speechifying 3-D avatars possesses merit. Who wouldn’t watch Abraham Lincoln heralding campaigns for indentured servitude to settle our national immigration problem? Can you hear Fortnite calling?

Leo

If the last will be first, and the just will be last, will justice last, especially on prime-time news television? Always a leader, you will be the first to know; but will you have the courage to be the first to let on? We’ll let you onto an AI secret – humans often don’t notice. Really.

Virgo

Selling Tik Tok to a group of investors from Rigel IV is the kind of brilliant strategy only you could think of, Virgo. And though some might sniff at receiving payment in not so solid gamma galactic sector credits, their quick convertibility into bitcoins should silence all detractors. Better do the deal in Hong Kong, though, before the formal takeover.

Libra

Gravity disruptions in the galactic gamma sector tell you this is not the week to start a new business. But following Labor Day, things should improve, especially with the oncoming virtual football season.

Scorpio

ET comedians may not have glommed onto your virtual shows, complaining you failed to offer national, let alone intragalactic minimum wage. But plenty of terrestrials are willing and waiting to get their chance on the big blank blue screen. Start with fans of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and you may hit it big.

Sagittarius

Now that you’ve unconsciously uncoupled from your previous not so summarily satisfying intimate relationship, where will you go? We suggest you not be ruled by your sun sign but by your fun sign, and shop for a Libra man with an elegant tropical print with special vibranium straps for long-lasting pleasure.

Capricorn

Your classic style is going unnoticed under Covid, Capricorn. It’s time to branch out. A granite grey dress accessorized with a Hello Kitty print knitwear blouse and bitcoin bangles may be just the thing to bring autumnal romantic cool.

Aquarius

Will the 2020s repeat the 1960s or the 1860s? Only you know, Aquarius, and you’re not telling, not even your unfairly neglected mother (she thinks so.) You won’t even speak the future to your new friend Aquaman, who under your tutelage is increasingly nimble in terrestrial boudoirs. You know Woodstock fashions drive him wild, along with those special covers from Liberty University.

Pisces

Your plan to have seawater introduced as the perfect shampoo for perfect hair is not cleaning up the way you wished, Pisces. But your romantic, sparkling nature may win the day with Cinderella Castor Oil, a flavorful finish to split ends that jives with everyone’s inner princess.