Week of 9.7.20 (Labor Day Weekend)

Aries

Horoscopes let you see the future, and you own yours, Aries. You know Covid-19 will finally be defeated by American ingenuity. So your proposed DIY vaccine program, where ordinary folk create and test on themselves and loved ones the latest vaccine technology, should receive special favor at the highest levels. With the president’s work on novel treatments like injecting Lysol in the lungs or blasting the skin with UV, DIY vaccines might win special White House favor.

Taurus

No, Taurus, the disappearance of Betelgeuse is not bad news for Birkin bag lovers. That star will be back, just like other stars – like you. ETs especially esteem your Birkins, so convenient for carrying small multiverses to Covid parties and planetary special events. This week have uncommon faith in the market, and your financial judgement.

Gemini

You know all about twinning, Gemini. So you’re more than happy to lend an excited double-ear to the president’s request that people vote twice. Planetary ETs, expert in hiding undercover, are more than willing to help your “Vote Twice – It’s Nice” project, which may lead to some very special new contacts on Rigel IV.

Cancer

You and Aries may duke it out for who’s number one, but the issue is settled for you, Aries. Being the best of the best of the best has left the least of the worst and the worst of the least, not to mention the last of the least of the least, screaming to become your Facebook followers.

This week, please don’t disappoint them.

Leo

There’s a lion inside you, Leo, not to mention a tiger, a leopard, and a truly ferocious house cat. Your work with the American Pizza Foundation will be crowned by your new campaign, “Make Pizza Famous.” Covid-19 demands comfort food, and you’ll help provide our nation just what it needs in its time of peril.

Virgo

Not everyone appreciates the power of horoscopes, but you do, Virgo. Your new cleaning horoscopes, aided by the work of former Shinto priestess Kondo Mariko (Marie Kondo,) should give people the exact time and auspicious circumstances to banish bathroom and bedroom blight forever, or at least until next week. A healthy America is a clean America, and you’ll do your virtual cleaning part.

Libra

It’s time to liberate yourself, Libra. What better way than to join ET vigilantes as they start decimating protesters opposed to extraterrestrials immigrating to our shores. Where would our Sci-Fi movies come from without ETs? Our Avenger heroes? Our superb social media inventions, not to mention all those funky land sculptures? America needs ETs more than ever, and with your flintlock, you can aid them become law-abiding, hard-working Americans.

Scorpio

ET comedians might say you’re not funny, but you know better. Scorpio ascends while Saturn twists and Venus disappears to the restroom. Your fifth house of happiness will soon textmessage your seventh house of treasure, making this an especially propitious week to buy tech stocks.

Sagittarius

With major deformations in the Force in Wisconsin and midtown Manhattan, this is a great week to progress from your fun house to your dollar house. Buying VIX options not only is a great hedge against future pandemics, but may get you noticed by some comely and handsome AI designed androids, who can get every which way you want even before you imagine it.

Capricorn

Covid is doing a real number on the economy, so your “Merry Gerry” app should help over 60s get new jobs to replace those they lost in the crisis. What Generation Z employer can resist the lure of TikTok geriatrics publicizing their special talents?

Aquarius

Americans are feeling more than ever Lost In Space, but you have a plan, Aquarius. Your support will succeed for Steve Bannon’s Space Exploration Foundation, crowdfunding space shots that help major politician pundits migrate to Mars. Who needs a wall when you can lead directly to the Final Frontier? Initial funding should aid getting Steve and Pharma Bro adviser Martin Shkreli out of the slammer to slam dunk the project.

Pisces

Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? You are Pisces, with your new up to the minute line of Covid-19 vaccine hoodies. What better form of self-defense than to wear novel vaccines on your arm and chest? Sars-Cov-2 won’t stand a chance against your clinically proven fashion sense.