Week of April 12th

Aries

Arnold Schwarzenegger is proud to be head of the new Initiative for Defense Against Alien Invasion (the IDAnAI) and recognizes your role in his advancement. This week he will task you as his liaison with the Nicaraguan Space Forces, allowing you to get your ET friends to help out with interplanetary planning. No one knows ET military tactics like ETs.

Taurus

Your children’s history of Birkin Bags is blazing across the Net, with new versions in Kazakh and Spanglish. This week go to the next level – a fully loaded NFT version, only available to select, high net worth Birkin customers.

Gemini

Dental stress has opened new vistas for your inner entrepreneur. Your new products for bruxism (teeth grinding) now create a whole separate market – COVID-related animal dentistry. Think of what dogs and cats have had to live with the last year, and you’ll know what to do.

Cancer

It’s time to lose weight, stop Alzheimer’s and protect past cultures. Your new line of “Ancient Grains for Ancient Brains” allows the wisdom and culinary masterpieces of China’s Eastern Jin and the long-smoldering Inca Empire to combine into ready-to-eat snacks that will help old brains retain vigilance while vigorously fighting global climate change.

Leo

Are you a grey rhino, a budding wolf warrior, or an unknown but powerful black swan? Does even your stockbroker or psychotherapist care? This is the week to plumb the inner depths of your gentle but savage nature.

Virgo

Which is greater, pizza power or political power? This week follow your gut as your food choices point the way towards major new decisions in love, finance, and self-reward.

Libra

Are you a humanitarian military veteran environmentalist former royal mental wellness advocate? Perhaps not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t help. As new “chief impact officer” for the BetterUp corporation, the “World’s Most Effective Professional Coaching,” Harry of Sussex is going to need a lot of help, and after what you’ve been through last year, you should fit the bill.

Scorpio

This week think experimentation, blue-sky thinking and wanderlust wonder as Mercury and Venus septiles convert into interplanetary sextiles, putting you in the perfect position to try new recipes the weekend. Innovation never tasted this good before.

Sagittarius

Will Venus and Mars connect this week, or will their work assignments for Interplanetary Trade and Marketing prevent an astral connection? Find out by throwing the I Ching, and seeing if Prince(ss) Charming walks through the wall.

Capricorn

Your tall dark stranger has now joined you in spicy coconut ramen breakfasts, leading to bashful banter and lingering liasions that transform lunch into scorching funch. Remember to keep a diary for the upcoming graphic novel you will write this summer.

Aquarius

Increase your Twitter presence with a few choice items on frolics beneath the waves (who would have ever thought octopi and electric eels could get together?), but do not neglect the power of shared water as the quintessential essence of the aquatic life force. In this fundamental way salty can remain fresh forever.

Pisces

Why has not Brillat-Savarin taken over culinary life beneath the waves? Your new translation from the classical French will show fish how to spice up their palate of inverterbrates and diatoms with items few talk about and fewer imbibe.