Week of April 19th

Aries

This is a great week to kick back and relax. Thanks to COVID, your taxes are not yet due, and a survey requested by Gov. Schwarzenegger shows no evidence of imminent invasion by Extra-terrestrials. Of course, their sources are not perfect, especially with Hollywood out of commission, but…

Taurus

Birkin NFTs are hot. This week you will use Aries’ ET contacts to create fourth and fifth-dimensional NFTs that will smoke the competition, even if they are a little tricky to load on terrestrial computers.

Gemini

Bite marks getting to you? Your new COVID veterinary dental service is a hit, but beware entrepreneurs from Rigel IV trying to steal your thunder; they know all about animals that bite; it’s what they do themselves.

Cancer

Cher’s comment that she might have helped (had she been there) in the aftermath of George Floyd’s death achieved a high brickbat count, but you may be able to help one of our greatest stars. She’s almost the right age to help market your “Ancient Grains to Ancient Brains” campaign. What better way to boost customers’ memories than Cher sharing cereal?

Leo

Has your inner grey rhino given you a new outlook on your personal spiritual life? Have you jettisoned a future you don’t know for one you yearn for and can’t have? This week allow spicy Singaporese coconut ramen into your life for greater foresight and sustenance.

Virgo

Pizza may be power, but power also makes for love. Vladimir Putin is now – by official Russian poll – the most handsome man in Russia.

This week, take a little of Vlad’s personal charisma for your own, with your new “Love Russia” program. Aided by local chapters of the Republican party, who recognize his great help to them during the 2016 and 2020 elections, and you can show Americans how ugliness is ideologically transformed into beauty.

Libra

No, this is not the week to switch from Coke to Pepsi. ETs agree the taste is marginally preferable, and even former president Trump is still drinking the drug he told you to boycott. And just because the corporation he used to love wants Georgians to more easily vote.

Don’t worry. Trump and his friends will still find ways for “fewer but better voters” to determine elections the Right way.

Scorpio

Unlike last week, this week think less experimentation and blue sky thinking than staying the course, doing the right thing, and staying on the right side of history. Perhaps the best week since the beginning of COVID for eating at McDonald’s and drinking a Coke.

Sagittarius

Have an impact by considering jobs as deputy chief impact officer at any corporation of your choice. The chief officer may get the notoriety, but you’ll get the responsibility and job security – and may even have an impact.

Capricorn

Still working on that scintillating graphic novel describing intimate encounters with tall dark strangers from distant galaxies? Perhaps this week rethink their personality arcs and bring in more terrestrial TV characters for greater verisimilitude and better branding.

Aquarius

Freshwater means fresh ideas. This week consider new business plans involving aqua, the Earth’s greatest rapidly diminishing resource, and new sponsors may flock to you like lampreys.

Pisces

It’s time to think immigration reform. Begin the fight for full worker’s rights, including health benefits, for all Aquarians. Start by promoting spots on Tiktok with your mistreated sisters and brothers at Sea World, and you will be helping the whole world.