Week of April 26th

Aries, you know the truth, and it might set you free. Four-legged dog admiring aliens are behind the rise of Dogecoin to $50 billion in value, and they’re just getting started. Use the Force to get Robinhood to sponsor mass Dogecoin trading, and you will build your own gilded Crypto cradle, with plenty of bitcoins left over for dogwalkers.

Taurus

Last week was less than you deserved but more than you bargained for, while this week presents a series of endless opportunities that cannot yet be accessed. A good week for fondling your Birkin bags with atavistic wonder.

Gemini

Troubled by the recent deformation in the Force? No worry. The ascension of Mercury and the decline of Mars augurs a return to a culinary past we can only glimpse through the mists of time. But don’t use the lemon mushroom vodka before 10 AM, okay?

Cancer

Will cocaine and sex get Gaetz? Will Mar-a-Lago overcome the loss of one of its own to owning a jail cell? This week may determine not the beginning but the end of the beginning – a promising week for ice cream sundaes on Sunday.

Leo

Channeling your inner grey rhino has given you a new perspective on the nature of perspective. This week amaze your friends by merchanding Alligator Golf, the new Florida pastime where hedge fund managers hit bills that land squarely on reptilian backs as ways to bet big. Canine friends are not encouraged for these encounters, however.

Virgo

Spring is here, and love is in the air until the trade winds wipe it off the map. Use this week to help market your ET friends’ consulting business in “post-sex.” Learn how other species how overcome the entanglements of sex and sexual identity to live more fulfilling, centering and spiritually dangerous lives.

Libra

If last week was No Coke, Pepsi, this week is No Bhang, Yoga. Who ever thought breathing was better beneath the bit of a hookah hookup? Use Corpse Pose to project power against your financial enemies, and Proud Warrior Pose to show domination of your office cubicle.

Scorpio

Having spent last week doing the Right Thing, allow yourself this week to be proven wrong but considered right. Two wrongs may not make a right, but two rights may easily put you in the wrong.

A good week for considering the advantages of disciplined detachment.

Sagittarius

If you can’t be deputy impact officer, can you still have impact where it counts? This week recognize that those who seek to have impact may not achieve it, while those who bumble through existence with nary a thought except for themselves may win and rule countries. Fair is foul and foul is fair when love leaves only a passing residue.

Capricorn

Last week turned out better than expected, but behind every silver cloud lies a black lining that may need to be drycleaned. This week consider reading Sartre’s play “No Exit,” where characters get to spend eternity in a locked room together, rather what it feels like when you go to work on Mondays.

Aquarius

Use this week’s superior airline deals to take a trip to the Colorado River Basin and bask in the dryness. Sometimes water just leaves you too wet.

Pisces

Aquarian workers receive little respect and even less attention. Change that with a special group swim from Disney World to Sea World, with a stop off at Hogwarts to obtain new magical powers for future unionization efforts.