Aries
It’s official, and you got there first, Aries. Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon be appointed by President Biden as official advisor for defense against Alien Invasion. ETs throughout the U.S. have endorsed the decision, despite pockets of resistance in Cleveland and southeastern Florida.
Taurus
Children first. And nothing says I like you, perhaps even love you, like a Birkin bag. Birkin Kids should set the standard for childhood handbags for all genders, thanks to you, Taurus. But don’t do a version in Nilotic crocodile, okay? Not that many kids have that kind of allowance.
Gemini
Is there a future in dentistry for you? This week, consider the money to be made in gnashing of teeth. Bruxism has exploded during the pandemic, and opportunities to decrease dental stress abound. Start by telling people not to watch certain news channels before going to bed.
Cancer
Americans love to eat, especially when stressed. What better way to lose the quarantine fifteen (more like thirty-five) than with special ET snacks, guaranteed to lose weight – as long as you don’t let people know the nature of the “special ingredients.” ET experts in camouflage should help.
Leo
Should you be a lion or a lamb this week? Or perhaps a pangolin? Is being a bat where it’s at?
Early April is a great time to channel your inner animal to provide soul-soothing, gut-wrenching advice to your long-lost child self.
Virgo
Help is coming, Virgo. This long year of self-isolation and groaning self-cooking and self-grooming is coming to an end. To celebrate your upcoming improvements, consider a double mushroom pizza with extra anchovies, but hold the cheese for your birthday.
Libra
Feeling at a loss for words, not to mention this month’s car payment? Time to turn to Cosmic Cliches, where the wit and wisdom of countless civilizations are yours for a small fee; contact your local science fiction writer for details.
Sagittarius
Sorry, Sag. Your idea to invite Matt Gaetz to the Jeffrey Epstein celebration at Mar-a-Lago is a non-starter. Their Covid quarantine notwithstanding, Ghislaine is in jail, and Newsmax is hot to trot to sign the trailblazing Florida newsmaker.
Scorpio
Is this your week to blaze across the heavens, or just another chance to binge on potato chips and Netflix before prices go up? Saturn won’t say, but Venus is happy to indulge your snack fest saturnalia, especially on Saturday night.
Capricorn
Eating that spicy coconut ramen has spiced up your life. This week be on the lookout for a tall, dark stranger with expertise in anime, cryptocurrency and Metaphysical poetry. Your coming erotic collision may change the century, or at least your zip code.
Aquarius
No, Aquaking was a non-starter; too many derelict, fishy aristocrats want the title, and you’re more into content than substance, Aquarius. Be content to remain a commoner this week.
Pisces
With Jupiter about to rise into the Sun and keep going, this is a good week to be charitable, Pisces. And as a sign of compassion, recognize that charity begins at home. When influential people contact you in your tiny apartment, help them out. You never know when you’re going to need a good lawyer.