Aries
Who will win the top prize at this year’s Sociopath Olympics? Perhaps only you know, Aries, as gerrymandering, vote suppression and vote buying mar the result. Though Vladimir Putin was originally the outright favorite, diverse forces in the U.S., emboldened by the January 6th “tourist incident” are attempting to bring the Sociopath of the Year prize back to America. Just remember - for this nail biter of fraud and deceit, you’ve got the front row seat!
Taurus
There’s genius, and then there’s your very unique genius, Taurus. Your plan to make special Birkin “skate bags” should vastly increase sales in Japan, where a sport of “unruly delinquents” is now winning gold medals for the home islands. It’s time to skate, skate, skate, showing your fabulous bag, to be given free to all the gold medalists.
Gemini
So Bill Cosby offered to double his price? Turn it down, Gemini. Some second acts are not worth a second thought.
However, representing Olympic gold medalists for synchronized events, like diving, could prove a double win.
Cancer
Even though that wildfire wood burn for your California mushroom pizza did bring back your GI reflux symptoms, you know it was worth it. And this week your new line of “super filters” for air conditioning and ventilating, able to take out wood smoke and fire, should be a surefire hit in California and Northwest restaurants. Who says pizza can’t give you new ideas?
Leo
Did anybody mention pizza? The South Korean MBC broadcasting system won international attention covering the Olympic opening by emblazoning easy to use memes for national teams. Pizza, representing Italy, was a big hit, as was the photo of Chernobyl for the Ukrainian team. This is the week for your “Right Spirit” snacks to seize the day, with special IOC approved snacks for athletes. Pizza bites is obvious for the Italians, but charbroiled beef jerky for the Ukrainians? You might want to think about that.
Virgo
Now that the “Search for Scottish Humor” has drained into desuetude, it’s time for a different gig. A new “Scandinavian Humor Competition,” set up at Marienborg castle in Denmark, might be the way to a higher level clientele which really doesn’t appreciate much humor. And if that fails, you can invite Morenbong for the closing ceremony.
Libra
Spacefaring not what you thought it would be? Yes, even with the special mind wipes those medical exams will be remembered for a while. This week, ask for payback: request the ETs in Cleveland use you as their exclusive agent for medical insurance sales.
Scorpio
Too bad “The Weeknd” decided on a vacation from both Angelina and your PR services. This week use your weekdays to drum up business for Intergalactic PR, as ETs from across the galaxy arrive for the special Space Hockey competition in Helsinki.
Sagittarius
We understand your chagrin with the Hamdam dating app, which set you up three times with the same mullah’s daughter from Shiraz. Though a bit zaftig she really is a very nice person, and is willing to try to learn English once you convert and guarantee you will never visit America again.
Capricorn
With Kim Jong-un’s agents still hot to trot, this week you need a little protection. We suggest you look into the WWII Panther tank pulled by the German army out of a local basement last week. The treads and transport are extra, but when it comes to the North Koreans, you might need a tank.
Aquarius
True, no Aquarians were allowed into this year’s Olympic swimming competition, but Human Rights Watch knows the correctness of your case. This week make your strategic plan for the 2024 games; don’t forget to enlist whale sharks, who are hard to ignore.
Pisces
Governor DeSantis has refused to allow critically endangered manatees from transport up to safer states, saying they are “native Floridians” and “part and parcel of our great state’s tourist industry.” With an eighth of them dead in the last six months, perhaps increasing Covid mortality will get the governor to change his mind?
You know all about the trade-offs of economy and lives, Pisces; do your best.